Back and Forth.

Over the last few weeks I've been thinking a lot about the things that I said to him in the last few days and weeks, in the times we actually spent together. And I keep going back and forth between two extremes.

1. I should have said more, made my feelings and thoughts very clear, and then he wouldn't have thought me indifferent to our situation, and so we might still be able to be friends right now.

2. I should have said less, should have not been as eager to see him, and "make it obvious" that I wasn't eager and didn't really mind one way or the other. That way he might not think the only reason I wanted to see him was in hopes of us getting "back together".

I have, in the last few days, come to realize both those options are absurd.

In response to number one, you can never guard someone else's heart enough. If you truly care about someone you should try not to hurt them, and that often requires (especially in a situation like mine) to keep your mouth shut about certain things. Had I come out and said the many things I often felt like saying, it would have made things so much harder on him. It might have confused him on what he was supposed to do in this time, and might even have distracted him from God. Which is the last thing anyone should want or desire for another person they really care about. Maybe it was hard for him at certain times, my holding back feelings, thoughts and actions, but since we were/are at the point were those tings would have been unwise to say or do, I think it really was my only option. He said to me on that last sad day that he thinks "the hardest things to do is often the right one" and though I do not agree with that fully, in the instance of holding your tongue I think it is quite possibly true. (At least for my situation, and knowing what it is my mouth would say).

My response to number two, that would not have been practically possible, and would have simply been more hurtful to both of us. Had I acted as if I didn't care at all, number one excuse might have actually had a point. But I tried to treat him simply as another friend. One I hadn't seen in a long time, and did care for and so was intersted in his life. Had I constantly pushed him away it would have been immature of me, because I would have been guarding my own heart with no regard towards his. I would have been putting myself in a bubble in order to not get further hurt, and in truth been hurting myself more because my desires and actions would be sooo far apart that I would constantly have felt like a hypocrite and liar both to myself and those around me.

So did I act appropriately in this situation? that I still can not decided. I cannot go back and change anything, but I am hoping that if I do find the answer to that question that it might help in the future.

Lord, help me to act appropriately to those you place around me. I need You in my life to guide me, and push me in the right direction. Please give me Your light and help me to trust You, both with the past and the future. And also the present, I need a lot of help with that, which You know.
I thank You for Your love, You never let me go, even if I did all of the above wrong. Thank You Lord, for Your consistency and faithfulness. And for the family full of love You have placed me in.
In Your name, Amen.