How it seems

Why does it seem to me that I am having to do basically everything I do not want to do: Attend a university away from my family, take summer classes, have my best friend leave, feel like a 15 year old even though I'm about to be 20, feel like crying off and on throughout the day, not really have many really close friends outside my family besides the one I just lost.

I want to seek God, I try. Do I not try enough?
Aren't our desires supposed to line up with His plan as we try to seek Him and love Him and put Him first?
Why are my desires not lining up?
Why can I not take joy in the things He is calling me to do, or the things He is putting in my path to get through?

Sure I find peace every now and then, which I know only comes from my Savior, Comforter, True Love, God.
But why can I not be joyful in that?
What am I doing wrong?
I'm so lost and confused, hurt, downheartened, troubled, restless, wondering.

I know I am told : "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." (Psalm 43:5)

But how do you move from saying it to feeling it?

Oh God, I know You have what is best for me. Why can't I feel that? Why can't I see that Lord? Why am I blind to Your love, grace, and mercy right now? Why can't I understand?
Why?

I will continue to trust, but it hurts. Oh how it hurts.
I will lean on the hope that it will not always hurt once I learn to follow You.
But Lord it hurts.