New things and old things

It'sfunny to me how new things and old things so often clash together.

Example of this, I will be starting my first year as a teacher's aide soon, however one of my former teachers, my sister's best friend, and a former very good friend of mine will be there this year too.  When I applied for and accepted the job, none, I repeat none, had even started the application process there.  It's just funny how it works out.

Another interesting mix of new and old, that good friend of mine, there is such a mixture of sadness and confusion mixed with him working there. At first I was so shocked, I hadn't talked to him in months and now would be working with him. But then I got excited, thinking "maybe this is a chance for us to start afresh, be friends again, not close, we never could again, but friends perhaps!" And then training came, and along with it a cold shoulder, that although was not rude was very firm.  The last thing I expected was the amount of sadness that came with this, accumulating in last night when I told him "happy birthday" to only right afterwards regret doing so and feeling bad, thinking that he probably would have preferred me to stay on the opposite side of the room.  It had taken courage for me to say those two words. And Oh, I do hope he had a good birthday.

It's really odd, all of this is, because I am very very happy with my current boyfriend, who I feel so safe with, so comfortable with, so cared for. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I feel like I can give him my opinion, be heard, I feel smart around him. But then this friend, around him I lose my self-confidence. Though admittedly I do not have a ton of that in store. I just feel so dumb, so wrong, so...I guess still hurt by it all. And all this from what, maybe 7 or 8 words that have passed between us in the last two weeks?
This is so out of the blue, I thought I could just shake it off...but it isn't leaving. Oh stupid feelings, will you just go!
Maybe it just boils down to it that, I still miss my friend, and I still hate that I hurt him, and I still hate that I was hurt, and it makes me sad, and this type of sadness doesn't just leave...it has to be daily handed over to the only One who fixes anything, or makes anything beautiful that was once ugly.

So Lord, here I am, again and again, giving over this part of me that hurts, that I don't understand and asking You, to help me learn and obey what You have for me in this season of my life. Help to follow You through this, however rough, uncomfortable, good, crazy, simple, difficult it may seem. Help me to love as You do, in every and all circumstances, all people, whether that be my students coming in, my co-workers, parents or others. Teach me to see the path You have laid before my feet, and give me the strength to obey You in walking it.
With love, to Love, amen.