Missing him again. Patterns of my life.

We had a normal conversation yesterday, for the first time in I don't even know how long.
It felt good, it felt nice, it felt...natural.
I missed that. I missed being able to join in a laugh with him. My good, dear old friend who I had to let go.

I miss him. Sometimes I feel guilty for missing him, since I am the one who made the final decision to say goodbye to that part of our lives. Sure, he had said goodbye many times before, but I ended it, officially and finally.
How many times I have regretted losing that friendship are impossible to count.
But, he is getting married in two days. How truly wonderful! To see him happy and smile, it brings joy to my heart. If only I could more fully express to him how truly happy I am for him. There is just something so incomplete about joy when it is not shared.

Love is an interesting thing. Once you love someone, you never stop. Though oftentimes, if not always, that love changes, it grows, shows itself in new ways.
Take him for example, I have loved him for 4+ years now. It started out as a confused young, fierce, determined not to be shaken, romantic love, that hoped beyond hope that this would last and has changed into a more mature, understanding, quiet love that enjoys to see the loved one so happy. From eros to a storge/philia love.

Oh God, thank you for giving him someone to love and to love him. May they grow in Your love together! May they learn to seek You and serve each other in all ways.



Sometimes I wonder if its wrong to miss him so much, when we have both moved on, both found ourselves in love with others. I wonder if N. would mind me missing C so much. Missing the old friendship, the old memories we made way back before there was any romantic relationship. Is it?

New things and old things

It'sfunny to me how new things and old things so often clash together.

Example of this, I will be starting my first year as a teacher's aide soon, however one of my former teachers, my sister's best friend, and a former very good friend of mine will be there this year too.  When I applied for and accepted the job, none, I repeat none, had even started the application process there.  It's just funny how it works out.

Another interesting mix of new and old, that good friend of mine, there is such a mixture of sadness and confusion mixed with him working there. At first I was so shocked, I hadn't talked to him in months and now would be working with him. But then I got excited, thinking "maybe this is a chance for us to start afresh, be friends again, not close, we never could again, but friends perhaps!" And then training came, and along with it a cold shoulder, that although was not rude was very firm.  The last thing I expected was the amount of sadness that came with this, accumulating in last night when I told him "happy birthday" to only right afterwards regret doing so and feeling bad, thinking that he probably would have preferred me to stay on the opposite side of the room.  It had taken courage for me to say those two words. And Oh, I do hope he had a good birthday.

It's really odd, all of this is, because I am very very happy with my current boyfriend, who I feel so safe with, so comfortable with, so cared for. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. I feel like I can give him my opinion, be heard, I feel smart around him. But then this friend, around him I lose my self-confidence. Though admittedly I do not have a ton of that in store. I just feel so dumb, so wrong, so...I guess still hurt by it all. And all this from what, maybe 7 or 8 words that have passed between us in the last two weeks?
This is so out of the blue, I thought I could just shake it off...but it isn't leaving. Oh stupid feelings, will you just go!
Maybe it just boils down to it that, I still miss my friend, and I still hate that I hurt him, and I still hate that I was hurt, and it makes me sad, and this type of sadness doesn't just leave...it has to be daily handed over to the only One who fixes anything, or makes anything beautiful that was once ugly.

So Lord, here I am, again and again, giving over this part of me that hurts, that I don't understand and asking You, to help me learn and obey what You have for me in this season of my life. Help to follow You through this, however rough, uncomfortable, good, crazy, simple, difficult it may seem. Help me to love as You do, in every and all circumstances, all people, whether that be my students coming in, my co-workers, parents or others. Teach me to see the path You have laid before my feet, and give me the strength to obey You in walking it.
With love, to Love, amen.

Its been a while since I posted anything

And a lot in my life has changed.
My youngest niece turned 1 today! There are no newborns left in the family. That's a new one for me.
My cousin just got married a little over a week ago. It was the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to. And I've been to a few...3 of my siblings weddings (all which were wonderful). There was something about this one though, maybe it's just because I am older now, or maybe because it was the girl who I've shared my whole life with yet is just my age and now she is married! Not sure the exact reason, but this wedding hit me hard.
The love they had for each other was flowing out, spilling all over the place. It was so beautiful. The decorations were simplistic but gorgeous. =)
It could also be because I am in a relationship with a wonderful man, the longest one I've been in. And it's going great, thanks to God!

God has blessed me in so many ways, I am so blind to it often. Luckily He doesn't get tired of reminding us or opening our eyes to the glory of His love. He is sooo good!

Where did that come from?

One minute I am composed, happy, even excited to the wedding I will be going to of a family friend's. The next I'm crying so much I can't even see my hand to keep putting the polish on my nails. Why? That is a very good question. The very one my niece had by asking "Aunt Rachel, are you okay?". And my response was "No, I'm not okay, and I don't know why".
 So, what happened in that one minute...I texted a friend and got a mostly unsurprising answer. So why the tears? That is something I would really like to understand myself.
This is how her and my conversation went
 Me: You know what. I think [he] is probably in town right now. I mean it is thanksgiving break
 Her: You know what's cuhrazy...He is at Starbucks right now working on a paper. That is cray craaaay
 Me: Yeah? Did you say hi? How is he doing?
 Her: Yeah! He is doing well from the small talk we did.

 That's it. That short conversation drove me to tears and I have been an emotional wreck since then. Thoughts, memories keep flooding my mind. Most the time I try to push them back, but they just seem to keep coming. I don't understand what is happening. Why I have been at a low since learning definitely that he was in town and yet I was completely unable to talk to him...I know this is my own doing. I mean, I was the one who said we shouldn't talk 7 months ago. And he has just been respecting my wishes and not trying to talk to me. Oh, how I have questioned that decision to cut off all communication. I know it had to be the right one though...right?

I mean I wasn't at a place to even consider being in a relationship, and I couldn't just be friends with him. How can you go from loving someone romantically to just being friends? I am not sure that you can, and you certainly can't do it quickly. We'd tried that and it just hurt both of us...too much. I couldn't handle being close to him but constantly pushing him away. It wasn't fair to him and it was too painful for me. We are trouble for each other. Stumbling blocks. So, I can't talk to him. I know this. I have know this. So why the sudden urge of pain? Why the tears? What are these emotions I am feeling? Because I'm not even sure how to classify them. Regret? Sadness? Longing? Loneliness? Guilt?

I'm not sure any of those words fit, but I don't know that they don't fit. Sigh. Why now? I have so many questions and can't figure out the answers. And I don't think that I still feel for him romantically... I don't think I do. I miss his friendship most. Ugh! It's enough to make me never want to date ever again. To lose a friend, it's awful. To hurt someone you love, its wrong. I hate this feeling, I hate that I was part in destroying our friendship. I was too weak back then to just stay friends with him, even though I knew I was too immature, to prone to giving in, I was too weak to be in that kind of relationship. And so the consequences for those foolish actions remain to remind me, the pain remains. I gave up a friendship because I was unwilling to wait on God's timing. I was afraid of losing my friendship with him back then, and so I did the one thing that was sure to ensure that I would lose it...I ignored the feeling that it was not good timing, I went back on what I knew was right, and gave into wanting to feel special, I gave into the fear of losing him. If I had stood firm when I first told him "no, we can't date right now, I'm not ready?", would we be friends now?

I know it doesn't help to go over "what ifs", but these are the thoughts that are keeping me awake. And I know he made some mistakes in our relationship, but I made even more, because I knew better! How could I do that to us?! How could I do all those things to us? To him? How could I do that to one of my best friends...I gave away our friendship. I helped give it away anyways. And now, I doubt I will ever get it back. I don't deserve to have it back. He deserves better, a better friend...who will listen to God and follow God's lead in everything. That is what I failed to do. And so, I lost him and his friendship and in it's place gained a lot of pain.
 So, why after 7 months..after having hashed most of this out before I gave him the letter that silenced him from talking to me, why now does all this pain resurface?

 God, help me to understand. And if not understand, just trust You. Heal me, though I am so undeserving. Help me. Amen.

Anne of Avonlea

Just a quote from a book I really like...
 "Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into ones life with pomp and blase, like a gay knight riding down. Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways. Perhaps it revealed itself in seeing prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music. Perhaps...perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath" -LM Montgomery

Alright

Okay, okay, fine. I still like him as more than just a friend. However, what we are is just friends. To be completely honest, most of the time I am content with that, though occasionally I wish for something more. Right now though, my job is to be a friend and so I shall be. I really think God is teaching me patience, something I am not very good at but am called, as all Christians are, to develop. Having said that, I do not necessarily think that God will allow this friendship to ever be anything more than simply a friendship, that is not really important right now. I think, I am learning to rejoice is the situation He currently has me in. To be patient with what is going on day to day and not try to rush into the future and plan everything. Because, honestly, I would butcher it. Its a blessing He doesn't let me try to plan it all out, because I wouldn't have a clue what would be best for me in 15 years, or even in 5. Luckily, He does. Also, He already knows. So, my job right now, in regards to this guy, this young man, is to be his friend. To love him well. To not try to push things or flirt (with seems to be customary for most American girls in my situation), but to simply and contently be first his sister-in-Christ, to guard my brother-in-Christ's heart, second his friend. There is no third right now, and may never be. But God has given me the joy, yes JOY, of being a friend. Being the person who can give support, encourage him in truth, and remind him of the things he already knows or is failing to see about both himself and Christ. This position, the one of a friend, of a sister, is such a blessing, so simple, so good. I am thankful that this is where I am right now, and I ask God to continue to allow my heart to be content in Him and where He has me. Heavenly Father, thank You, for those You have placed in my life to both love and be loved by. Thank You for the lessons You are teaching me everyday, and thank You for allowing me to so clearly see those lessons some days. I know I struggle to listen and follow You, continue to tug at my heart, to draw me to You. For beyond anything, I need You, to be content in Your love, to see the reality of what Your love is. Your love is more than enough, it is better than all, it is good, it is beautiful. And Lord, thank you for beauty, through colors, sounds, smells, textures, and relationships. Help me to spread Your beauty, through my words and actions. Allow me to highlight Your wonderful creation and not to damage it. I ask all these things in Your wonderful Son's name, Christ Jesus who is my Lord, Savior, Redeemer, King and Friend. With love, to Love. Amen

God is faithful

So there is a song that we've been singing at church lately, and its a really good one. Here are the lyrics by Matt Redman: "Standing on this mountaintop Looking just how far we’ve come Knowing that for every step You were with us Kneeling on this battle ground Seeing just how much You’ve done Knowing every victory Was Your power in us Scars and struggles on the way But with joy our hearts can say Yes, our hearts can say Never once did we ever walk alone Never once did You leave us on our own You are faithful, God, You are faithful Kneeling on this battle ground Seeing just how much You’ve done Knowing every victory Was Your power in us Scars and struggles on the way But with joy our hearts can say Yes, our hearts can say Never once did we ever walk alone Never once did You leave us on our own You are faithful, God, You are faithful You are faithful, God, You are faithful Scars and struggles on the way But with joy our hearts can say Never once did we ever walk alone Carried by Your constant grace Held within Your perfect peace Never once, no, we never walk alone Never once did we ever walk alone Never once did You leave us on our own You are faithful, God, You are faithful Every step we are breathing in Your grace Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise You are faithful, God, You are faithful You are faithful, God, You are faithful" Although my scars may not be as deep as some... they still hurt me Although my struggles not as large as some people's... I am still tempted Although my battles may look small compared to some... I still get wounded But, God has never left me. Nor has He ever left those with scars deeper, struggles larger, or battles greater than mine. He heals my scars, when I let Him. He gives me peace through struggles, when I look to Him, turn to Him, run to Him, seek Him. And He has given me victory! Has, that is past tense people, He HAS GIVEN me victory, through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ. I have victory over the chains of sin, over death, because of His great love. This means that I can chose to do what is righteous, good, pure, lovely. I don't always chose what is right though, and that is when I get my scars and my struggles rise up...but He gives me a way of escape and has lead me to victory...and is leading me through sanctification. As Apostle Paul said "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own." (Phil 3:12). So, as a reminder to myself, and anyone else struggling with things, whether seemingly small or large, remember what Galatians 6: 7-9 says " Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap a harvest if we do not lose heart. "