Where did that come from?

One minute I am composed, happy, even excited to the wedding I will be going to of a family friend's. The next I'm crying so much I can't even see my hand to keep putting the polish on my nails. Why? That is a very good question. The very one my niece had by asking "Aunt Rachel, are you okay?". And my response was "No, I'm not okay, and I don't know why".
 So, what happened in that one minute...I texted a friend and got a mostly unsurprising answer. So why the tears? That is something I would really like to understand myself.
This is how her and my conversation went
 Me: You know what. I think [he] is probably in town right now. I mean it is thanksgiving break
 Her: You know what's cuhrazy...He is at Starbucks right now working on a paper. That is cray craaaay
 Me: Yeah? Did you say hi? How is he doing?
 Her: Yeah! He is doing well from the small talk we did.

 That's it. That short conversation drove me to tears and I have been an emotional wreck since then. Thoughts, memories keep flooding my mind. Most the time I try to push them back, but they just seem to keep coming. I don't understand what is happening. Why I have been at a low since learning definitely that he was in town and yet I was completely unable to talk to him...I know this is my own doing. I mean, I was the one who said we shouldn't talk 7 months ago. And he has just been respecting my wishes and not trying to talk to me. Oh, how I have questioned that decision to cut off all communication. I know it had to be the right one though...right?

I mean I wasn't at a place to even consider being in a relationship, and I couldn't just be friends with him. How can you go from loving someone romantically to just being friends? I am not sure that you can, and you certainly can't do it quickly. We'd tried that and it just hurt both of us...too much. I couldn't handle being close to him but constantly pushing him away. It wasn't fair to him and it was too painful for me. We are trouble for each other. Stumbling blocks. So, I can't talk to him. I know this. I have know this. So why the sudden urge of pain? Why the tears? What are these emotions I am feeling? Because I'm not even sure how to classify them. Regret? Sadness? Longing? Loneliness? Guilt?

I'm not sure any of those words fit, but I don't know that they don't fit. Sigh. Why now? I have so many questions and can't figure out the answers. And I don't think that I still feel for him romantically... I don't think I do. I miss his friendship most. Ugh! It's enough to make me never want to date ever again. To lose a friend, it's awful. To hurt someone you love, its wrong. I hate this feeling, I hate that I was part in destroying our friendship. I was too weak back then to just stay friends with him, even though I knew I was too immature, to prone to giving in, I was too weak to be in that kind of relationship. And so the consequences for those foolish actions remain to remind me, the pain remains. I gave up a friendship because I was unwilling to wait on God's timing. I was afraid of losing my friendship with him back then, and so I did the one thing that was sure to ensure that I would lose it...I ignored the feeling that it was not good timing, I went back on what I knew was right, and gave into wanting to feel special, I gave into the fear of losing him. If I had stood firm when I first told him "no, we can't date right now, I'm not ready?", would we be friends now?

I know it doesn't help to go over "what ifs", but these are the thoughts that are keeping me awake. And I know he made some mistakes in our relationship, but I made even more, because I knew better! How could I do that to us?! How could I do all those things to us? To him? How could I do that to one of my best friends...I gave away our friendship. I helped give it away anyways. And now, I doubt I will ever get it back. I don't deserve to have it back. He deserves better, a better friend...who will listen to God and follow God's lead in everything. That is what I failed to do. And so, I lost him and his friendship and in it's place gained a lot of pain.
 So, why after 7 months..after having hashed most of this out before I gave him the letter that silenced him from talking to me, why now does all this pain resurface?

 God, help me to understand. And if not understand, just trust You. Heal me, though I am so undeserving. Help me. Amen.