Aren't you supposed to mature and get better at things when you get older?
If this is the case, I feel as if I am missing out on something.
In thinking over my life in the last few years, I feel as if I have backtrack, I feel as if I must have been more mature at 17 or 18 than I am now....or maybe the same amount, it just seemed different because I was younger. But have I really changed? Grown at all? Am I any different?
I think I can say yes to two of those...but I don't think I like the answer to either. Changed? I think I have, but not for the better. I think I have become more selfish, more self-centered, make dumber choices, more easily frustrated. I have hurt those around me, am more argumentative with those I love. This is how I feel I have changed...and I hate it. I don't want to be a person that as the get older they isolate the people they love, that is so unpleasant no one wants to be around.
Which is why I think I can answer the "am I different", I think I am, in no way that I want to be different for all of the above reasons.
Have I grown at all? To be honest, I'm not sure that I have....and it scares me... a lot. It makes me a lukewarm, dead branch, unsalty, hidden lamp...everything we, as Christians, are supposed to be the opposite of, are called to be the opposite of.
These last few days I have been trying to figure this out, and well that is the conclusion I came to, and I really don't like it at all.
Lord, I need You to help me. I don't even know how. I just don't want to be like this, its not who You have called me to be, though I have no idea what that is. Help me to desire You, love You, live for You, because I don't even know how to begin.
Help me Lord, because I know I can't even begin to help myself.
In Your name, Amen.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
What you "see" about yourself is not what I see at all.
ReplyDeleteI have loved you being home this summer.
You have helped me in SO MANY WAYS. You have been a great friend to me.
You have also been a huge blessing to Jason, Selah and Alexa. Mom, Grandmom... the list goes on.
DON'T downplay the good you do and dismiss every good thing simply as your "righteousness as filthy rags". DON'T let Satan twist the truth about who you are and what you are doing this summer. From the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks... and I have heard what your mouth speaks. And it is good and God-pleasing. And a tree is known by its fruit. Your fruit is abundant and good. God's character is all over you, remember that Satan is a deceiver and a discourager, and I think that is what he is trying to do here.
By all means, let the Lord bring up and remove the dross from you! I pray that in the process you let Him take from you something that has been hanging around since you were 17... your self-criticism.
You are AMAZING. This is not flattery. It is truth.
I love you.
I remember reading about a guy who had this problem. His name was Paul. Seems the more he matured, the more clearly he saw his sin. His approach was first to acknowledge the truth of his clearer vision of himself and then to press on with the working out of the salvation that God was working in him by daily taking up his cross and offering himself a living sacrifice so that he could be transformed by the renewing of his mind, being conformed to the image of Jesus and being fully persuaded that he was God's workmanship and that God was capable and willing to complete His work in him.
ReplyDeleteWhat I think is happening to you is a good thing unless you let it be turned to evil. Be encouraged, not discouraged. Be motivated, not incapacitated. This view of yourself is part of the truth, don't forget the rest of the truth. Jesus considered you valuable. Look at the price he paid for you. You are his bride and he is faithful and just in cleansing you and making you like Himself. You are just seeing the dirt He is washing away. I love you. You are beautiful and from what I can see you are growing more so all the time.