Back and Forth.

Over the last few weeks I've been thinking a lot about the things that I said to him in the last few days and weeks, in the times we actually spent together. And I keep going back and forth between two extremes.

1. I should have said more, made my feelings and thoughts very clear, and then he wouldn't have thought me indifferent to our situation, and so we might still be able to be friends right now.

2. I should have said less, should have not been as eager to see him, and "make it obvious" that I wasn't eager and didn't really mind one way or the other. That way he might not think the only reason I wanted to see him was in hopes of us getting "back together".

I have, in the last few days, come to realize both those options are absurd.

In response to number one, you can never guard someone else's heart enough. If you truly care about someone you should try not to hurt them, and that often requires (especially in a situation like mine) to keep your mouth shut about certain things. Had I come out and said the many things I often felt like saying, it would have made things so much harder on him. It might have confused him on what he was supposed to do in this time, and might even have distracted him from God. Which is the last thing anyone should want or desire for another person they really care about. Maybe it was hard for him at certain times, my holding back feelings, thoughts and actions, but since we were/are at the point were those tings would have been unwise to say or do, I think it really was my only option. He said to me on that last sad day that he thinks "the hardest things to do is often the right one" and though I do not agree with that fully, in the instance of holding your tongue I think it is quite possibly true. (At least for my situation, and knowing what it is my mouth would say).

My response to number two, that would not have been practically possible, and would have simply been more hurtful to both of us. Had I acted as if I didn't care at all, number one excuse might have actually had a point. But I tried to treat him simply as another friend. One I hadn't seen in a long time, and did care for and so was intersted in his life. Had I constantly pushed him away it would have been immature of me, because I would have been guarding my own heart with no regard towards his. I would have been putting myself in a bubble in order to not get further hurt, and in truth been hurting myself more because my desires and actions would be sooo far apart that I would constantly have felt like a hypocrite and liar both to myself and those around me.

So did I act appropriately in this situation? that I still can not decided. I cannot go back and change anything, but I am hoping that if I do find the answer to that question that it might help in the future.

Lord, help me to act appropriately to those you place around me. I need You in my life to guide me, and push me in the right direction. Please give me Your light and help me to trust You, both with the past and the future. And also the present, I need a lot of help with that, which You know.
I thank You for Your love, You never let me go, even if I did all of the above wrong. Thank You Lord, for Your consistency and faithfulness. And for the family full of love You have placed me in.
In Your name, Amen.

Its the little things...

That I really wish I had someone to share with, as well as the big ones.
I noticed lately that when something happens, either with Alexa or Selah, or just something small, I really want to share it with someone. Its just something that I find funny, or that bugs me, or just interesting in general and I just want to share it with someone who understands me and my family/situation.
I guess its just really hard because I used to have that...and now I don't.

I kinda got used to that during high school. Never really having a really close friend, who cared about the little things in my life. Who was CONSTANTLY interested it what was going on, or didn't mind hearing the thousand little weird things I just simply enjoy sharing with others.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have my family, my sisters especially, who I do get to share a lot with. Who are willing to listen and love me and what to know what is going on in my life. I just I just mean, someone outside the family.
Why that makes such a big difference, I don't know.
But somehow it does.

I've just started noticing more and more how there are things I want to share, in the moment (just though a text, phone call, conversation, message, etc) that I don't have a friend to share with anymore.


And well its hard.
That's it, its just really hard.

Nothing changes

On the day you turn 20.
Just in case any of you were wondering.

Nope still feel the same that I did yesterday. But that is the way it has always been on Birthdays.
A single day does not change someone, but rather the experiences of the whole year left behind.

I think that I can look back to this day a year ago and say that I have changed. For better or for worse, I am not the best judge of that, but I do think I am somewhat different...and I hope a better different.

Today seems like it is going to be tough, though I hope not.
I don't want to think about it right now though. I'm going to get some sleep so that I can actually function tomorrow...something I don't feel I've been doing very well lately.

Thank You Lord for the time You have given me. Help me to use the time I have left to glorify You. Thank You for the family You put me in, with both the good and bad, difficult and easy, silly and serious sides of them all. Thank You for Your grace. And help me to remember today as well as all other days, that this is Your story, and You have given me the privilege to get to be a part of it.
Thank You.

How it seems

Why does it seem to me that I am having to do basically everything I do not want to do: Attend a university away from my family, take summer classes, have my best friend leave, feel like a 15 year old even though I'm about to be 20, feel like crying off and on throughout the day, not really have many really close friends outside my family besides the one I just lost.

I want to seek God, I try. Do I not try enough?
Aren't our desires supposed to line up with His plan as we try to seek Him and love Him and put Him first?
Why are my desires not lining up?
Why can I not take joy in the things He is calling me to do, or the things He is putting in my path to get through?

Sure I find peace every now and then, which I know only comes from my Savior, Comforter, True Love, God.
But why can I not be joyful in that?
What am I doing wrong?
I'm so lost and confused, hurt, downheartened, troubled, restless, wondering.

I know I am told : "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." (Psalm 43:5)

But how do you move from saying it to feeling it?

Oh God, I know You have what is best for me. Why can't I feel that? Why can't I see that Lord? Why am I blind to Your love, grace, and mercy right now? Why can't I understand?
Why?

I will continue to trust, but it hurts. Oh how it hurts.
I will lean on the hope that it will not always hurt once I learn to follow You.
But Lord it hurts.

Today sucks.

Today has been fairly horrible.
Not only do I have to start summer classes, which will be more work then I thought it would be, but also I just lost my best friend. And really one of my only real friends outside the family.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family sooo very much, and I thank y'all for being there for me.
But its just so hard to lose your best friend.
If its what is best for him, then it must be done. I just wish I knew that it was.
Oh how I wish I could just see what my future would look like, when I wasn't in the midst of this grief. I thought that I had gotten over most of it. I had become somewhat used to the idea over the semester. And then he brought up that we would be friends again, close friends it seemed. Able to talk and hang out sometimes. But now. He said "we will say goodbye indefinitely".
And so he did. He said "bye" and just walked out of my house and out of my life.
It really feels like someone just stabbed me in the heart. Decided to pull it out, then put it back in and start the process over again.

I know that God has what is best for us (Jeremiah 29:11) . He will work all things for our good (Romans 8:28) . I just don't understand why it has to been this painful. And is this really what is best?

Oh Lord, help me to understand. Please please, help me to understand. And even if I don't. Help me to continue to trust and love You.