August 1, 2009 : The Things I do...
I love him, I truly do. It just isn't the kind of love he wants from me.
I trust God, and I want to obey Him, it was just so hard to do.
Lord, You know what is best, why do I tamper with that?
I just care about him so much, I thought that maybe it was supposed to work out that way, he said he liked me, I really liked him too, even a little in that way but mostly as a friend. But I wanted him to be happy, I liked him, he is nice, such a great guy, loves God with all that is in him, helpful, attractive, and one of the best friends I have ever had. I was so scared of losing that, even though he told me there was nothing I could do to make that so.
I believed him, and believe him now.
But I don't deserve his friendship....yet I get sad/upset when its not the same
I deserve mean words/anger/something harsh....but I get upset at a simple joke.
I'm so glad he can make jokes out of it rather than being angry, I will take that. Every bit of it, even if it does humiliate me, I deserve that and so much more.
I want him to be able to joke about it, I need to loosen up...and plus I deserve so much more than just a few jokes.
why am I so selfish?
He is so kind and I am so selfish.....I hate myself like this.
I disobeyed God, not outright knowingly, but He gave me signs. But I just thought I knew what was best (oh stupid stupid me), but as you see I messed up.
Why do I hurt the people I love the most.
Oh I love him so much, more than he knows, that he could even imagine.
He is my best friend (besides Jesus of course).
But I messed up...how can I forgive myself?
I know he forgave me, though I didn't deserve it.
How can he be so good, so amazing...but still not the one that right for me.
I know I don't deserve someone like him, but it hurts all the same.
Whoever he marries is so lucky she doesn't even know, so lucky.
But God told me no, and I couldn't go on letting him think it was ok, so I had to, you see I had to. But I didn't want to, not really.
It'll be ok though, because this is how God wanted it.
I don't know why.
But it is.
August 6, 2007: Watching people go.
I am watching people go...
In having to watch my brothers and sisters leave and go off to college I have wished for time to stand still. There are only a few more days that I have with them.
And now that Joel and Melissa are in Mauritania it is hard to imagine life without them for two years.
I've recently looked around me and seen everyone in my family, the changes that have taken place over the last few years.
I see Claire and I want her to be my baby sister again, but she isn't she is growing up. Though she sometimes tries to act like she is 2 again, you can tell she wants to be treated like an older kid...she has even gone as far as to tell my mom that she is old enough to do more chores!!
And Shannon is practically a teenager, she is already so athletic and soo beautiful its hard to remeber when she was soo little and when she was just learning to dribble a basketball or swing a bat.
Aleya is (I guess I will steal the word Courtny said about her sister Sidney) very fashionable...way more than me lol...and she is smart and creative. She has a very strong atitude and her own personality.
Stephen is starting to act older and is taking some responsibilities.
Michelle is in college!!!...oh how much I miss her. She is only here for a few more days :[... and I really don't want her to leave
and Jeremy too, this summer I have gotten to know him a lot more....and I'm sad to see him move back up to Austin for his senior year of college.
Elise has a beautiful two year old. She is a great adviser and even when she doesn't have the time she will listen to you and try to help you.
and Joel is in Africa!!! For the next two years!!!
I'm sad to see changes but know they are a necessity.
Everyone has to grow up.
From the words of a friend who is dealing with the same fears as I am...but in a much better way
she said " And I am reminded that change MUST happen or else we will all die. I have always been afraid of growing older, afraid that the perfect glow of the now will be eternally lost in tomorrow, alarmed that time will not stand still for even a moment.... Somehow, joy, hope, and my dreams for the future must win this frustrating battle against fear for dominance in my mind. I am sure it will; it must. And yet, through all the sadness and wishful clinging to the familiar, I know that I am doing the right thing. I know it with a strange, calm inner certainty, which demands that I stop complaining and push forward. My life--it is not such a small thing. My choices and seemingly insignificant decisions will reverberate out into the distant future, affecting my family and strangers alike. It's hard to think about that responsibility; it's hard not to." -Courtney (sorry, if you have any objections to me using this tell me and I will remove it).
She said it in the best way I could think of.
Though change is scary it is necessary.
I want to thank my family and friends...
y'all have all helped me soo much through so many things.
And I know I am not at appreciative as I should be.
So thank you and I love you guys.
To those of you that are going away to college and other places, the best of luck and love to you...I will be praying for y'all.
And to those who are still stuck here with me...I love you!
Other old posts...Just found them again.
October 11, 2009: Sigh
Almost wishes she could just let herself fail out of college so she wouldn't have to come back up here anymore. I know thats not the right approach, and so I won't do it on purpose, but it is tempting sometimes.
Also I really suck at life. I say I want to follow the Lord, but do I show it? Do my actions really reflect that? I don't know, and that bothers me. shouldn't I be able to tell?
I trust Him and love Him, but how do I live that out?
I feel like I have pulled people away from Him more than bringing them to HIm.
I am so selfish. I hate myself for that. The people I love the most I feel like I make it harder on them.
What is wrong with me? Why do I do this?
I know He is what they need, the source of life, of love.
I don't mean to but I feel that I do.
I just don't know what to do.
"I waited for you today
But You didn't show
No.No.No.
I needed You today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
you said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
Chorus
I cried out with no reply and
I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone.
And though I can not see You
and I can't explain why.
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life oh
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
Chorus
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate
You're part of me
and though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
Chorus
I cried out with no reply
and I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone"
August 21, 2009: Yet I sin...
Eternal Father,
Thou art good beyond all thought,
But I am vile, wretched, miserable, blind;
My lips are ready to confess,
but my heart is slow to feel,
and my ways reluctant to amend.
I bring my soul to thee;
break it, wound it, bend it, mold it.
Unmask to me sin’s deformity,
that I may hate it, abhor it, flee from it.
My faculties have been a weapon of revolt
against thee;
as a rebel I have misused my strength,
and served the foul adversary of thy kingdom.
Give me grace to bewail my insensate folly,
Grant me to know that the way of transgressors
is hard,that evil paths are wretched paths,
that to depart from thee is to lose all good.
I have seen the purity and beauty of thy perfect law,
the happiness of those in whose heart it reigns,
the calm dignity of the walk to which it calls,
yet I daily violate and contemn its precepts.
Thy loving Spirit strives within me,
brings me Scripture warnings,
speaks in startling Providences,
allures by secret whispers,
yet I choose devices and desires to my own hurt,
impiously resent, grieve,
and provoke him to abandon me.
All these sins I mourn, lament, and for them
cry pardon.
Work in me more profound and abiding repentance;
Give me the fullness of a godly grief
that trembles and fears,
yet ever trusts and loves,
which is ever powerful, and ever confident;
Grant that through the tears of repentance
I may see more clearly the brightness
and glories of the saving cross.
-Valley of Vision
August 1, 2009:
I love him, I truly do. It just isn't the kind of love he wants from me.
I trust God, and I want to obey Him, it was just so hard to do.
Lord, You know what is best, why do I tamper with that?
I just care about him so much, I thought that maybe it was supposed to work out that way, he said he liked me, I really liked him too, even a little in that way but mostly as a friend. But I wanted him to be happy, I liked him, he is nice, such a great guy, loves God with all that is in him, helpful, attractive, and one of the best friends I have ever had. I was so scared of losing that, even though he told me there was nothing I could do to make that so.
I believed him, and believe him now.
But I don't deserve his friendship....yet I get sad/upset when its not the same
I deserve mean words/anger/something harsh....but I get upset at a simple joke.
I'm so glad he can make jokes out of it rather than being angry, I will take that. Every bit of it, even if it does humiliate me, I deserve that and so much more.
I want him to be able to joke about it, I need to loosen up...and plus I deserve so much more than just a few jokes.
I don't deserve him as my best friend...but when he isn't it hurts so much.
why am I so selfish?
He is so kind and I am so selfish.....I hate myself like this.
I disobeyed God, not outright knowingly, but He gave me signs. But I just thought I knew what was best (oh stupid stupid me), but as you see I messed up.
Why do I hurt the people I love the most.
Oh I love him so much, more than he knows, that he could even imagine.
He is my best friend (besides Jesus of course).
But I messed up...how can I forgive myself?
I know he forgave me, though I didn't deserve it.
How can he be so good, so amazing...but still not the one that right for me.
I know I don't deserve someone like him, but it hurts all the same.
Whoever he marries is so lucky she doesn't even know, so lucky.
But God told me no, and I couldn't go on letting him think it was ok, so I had to, you see I had to. But I didn't want to, not really.
It'll be ok though, because this is how God wanted it.
I don't know why.
But it is.
July 17, 2009: This is that
Its a strange feeling... I don't know how to explain it...I don't think I've ever felt this way before.
It feels like my heart is slowly throbbing, as if it is being tugged apart.
its not the same quick rip I have painfully felt before... but rather a slow continuous pain (not as severe at times, but very painful all the same)
I feel as if I have lost my best friend, one of the few true friends I have ever had, and been replaced very quickly.
And its my fault.
He is still nice to me, doesn't ignore me, or treat me rudely.
Yet it is different.
I no longer know what I can/should say....what is going over that line.
The line that I allowed to be drawn, the one I watched form, and then got scared and backed away from....I knew I wasn't allowed to cross the line....it would be too much, and just not right to do so.
I feel like I am a stranger to him...and that I should rightfully be treated as one.
Yet not crossing the line hurt, it feels like stepping on needles.
At times, it seems things are almost back to normal, but I can still see and hear what was said and how it was said...which scares me from getting too close to the line again.
I have been told not to cross the line...but I want to be able to get close again...not as a temptation, but to be a friend again, a real friend, not just another acquaintance.
That is almost to much to bear.
But it is my fault.
I know it...but I wish I could take it back....I really truly do.
but now...I just don't know what to do.
July 14, 2008: .....
I don't understand why I can't stop myself in the early stages. Why I can't avoid all the deep hurt. Its possible, I know it is. so why don't I do it? Am I really that selfish? Why? I'm so frustrated at myself. I try to avoid confrontations not wanting to mess up friendships, but this always makes it worse....so much worse. I end up driving away the friends who mean the most to me. The ones I really care about.
and then whenever I go around to trying to face the problem/issue/thing I always say the wrong thing.
I say "you're too good for me" when I really mean "I'm not good enough for you"
which might look like the same thing but its very different.
What I meant to say and should have said is "I'm not good enough for you, and you are not good enough for me"
that sounds contradictory, but its very possible.
The only person good enough for me is whomsoever God chooses for me, and same goes for everyone else.
so why can't I just say that? It would have made it simpler , would it have not?
But no, I don't just say what i mean outright, I have to coat it...why do I think this is any better? I know it just makes it worse, but I can't seem to help myself? I can't bear to look the person in the eye and just say the outright blunt truth, so I say other truths, smaller ones, but they just complicate things.
When will I learn?
Mom and Dad (along with varies siblings) tell me that I have to go through tough times to grow and mature....but why do they have to involve hurting people I love, people I care about more than myself.
Whats wrong with me? When will I stop hurting those I care about?
I should come with a warning sign plastered to my head that reads:"unintentional problems, hurts, and difficulties will ensue if you become friends with this girl. Leave while you can."
I don't know.
good grief.
December 28, 2008 : Some good quotes
Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.
"This year, or this month, or, more likely, this very day, we have failed to practise ourselves the kind of behaviour we expect from other people."
--The Case for Christianity (C.S Lewis)
"The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it. – Michelangelo
"The heart never takes the place of the head: but it can, and should, obey it."
--C.S. Lewis
"People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes."
--Abigail Van Buren
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.
--Anne Frank
" The decision to have a child is to accept the fact that your heart will
forever walk outside of your body''
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.
--Michael Levine
I feel safer on a racetrack than I do on Houston's freeways.
--A. J. Foyt
"When you are arguing against Him you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all."
--C.S Lewis
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
C.S. Lewis
"We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship." --C.S. Lewis
"The sign of intelligent people is their ability to control emotions by the application of reason."
--Marya Mannes
"If God were small enough for our minds, He wouldn't be big enough for our needs"
~Dad
"The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.
-Brennan Manning "
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear."
-Ambrose Redmoon quotes
"People generally quarrel because they cannot argue."
- G.K. Chesterton
...
All my old Xanga blogs (my first blog ever that I got rid of):
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
well...I am now a Senior, though I have felt like I should have been one for about 3 years now.Now that I am one though, I don't feel any differently, no excitement, nothing. Its strange, I thought I would feel something. I guess it just hasn't really hit yet, but it will someday soon. Until that time, things will just go as they have always gone, and I think I'm ok with that. we will see I guess. Sunday, December 02, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
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and besides in every fairy tale there is an evil witch or wizard or something
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