Where did that come from?

One minute I am composed, happy, even excited to the wedding I will be going to of a family friend's. The next I'm crying so much I can't even see my hand to keep putting the polish on my nails. Why? That is a very good question. The very one my niece had by asking "Aunt Rachel, are you okay?". And my response was "No, I'm not okay, and I don't know why".
 So, what happened in that one minute...I texted a friend and got a mostly unsurprising answer. So why the tears? That is something I would really like to understand myself.
This is how her and my conversation went
 Me: You know what. I think [he] is probably in town right now. I mean it is thanksgiving break
 Her: You know what's cuhrazy...He is at Starbucks right now working on a paper. That is cray craaaay
 Me: Yeah? Did you say hi? How is he doing?
 Her: Yeah! He is doing well from the small talk we did.

 That's it. That short conversation drove me to tears and I have been an emotional wreck since then. Thoughts, memories keep flooding my mind. Most the time I try to push them back, but they just seem to keep coming. I don't understand what is happening. Why I have been at a low since learning definitely that he was in town and yet I was completely unable to talk to him...I know this is my own doing. I mean, I was the one who said we shouldn't talk 7 months ago. And he has just been respecting my wishes and not trying to talk to me. Oh, how I have questioned that decision to cut off all communication. I know it had to be the right one though...right?

I mean I wasn't at a place to even consider being in a relationship, and I couldn't just be friends with him. How can you go from loving someone romantically to just being friends? I am not sure that you can, and you certainly can't do it quickly. We'd tried that and it just hurt both of us...too much. I couldn't handle being close to him but constantly pushing him away. It wasn't fair to him and it was too painful for me. We are trouble for each other. Stumbling blocks. So, I can't talk to him. I know this. I have know this. So why the sudden urge of pain? Why the tears? What are these emotions I am feeling? Because I'm not even sure how to classify them. Regret? Sadness? Longing? Loneliness? Guilt?

I'm not sure any of those words fit, but I don't know that they don't fit. Sigh. Why now? I have so many questions and can't figure out the answers. And I don't think that I still feel for him romantically... I don't think I do. I miss his friendship most. Ugh! It's enough to make me never want to date ever again. To lose a friend, it's awful. To hurt someone you love, its wrong. I hate this feeling, I hate that I was part in destroying our friendship. I was too weak back then to just stay friends with him, even though I knew I was too immature, to prone to giving in, I was too weak to be in that kind of relationship. And so the consequences for those foolish actions remain to remind me, the pain remains. I gave up a friendship because I was unwilling to wait on God's timing. I was afraid of losing my friendship with him back then, and so I did the one thing that was sure to ensure that I would lose it...I ignored the feeling that it was not good timing, I went back on what I knew was right, and gave into wanting to feel special, I gave into the fear of losing him. If I had stood firm when I first told him "no, we can't date right now, I'm not ready?", would we be friends now?

I know it doesn't help to go over "what ifs", but these are the thoughts that are keeping me awake. And I know he made some mistakes in our relationship, but I made even more, because I knew better! How could I do that to us?! How could I do all those things to us? To him? How could I do that to one of my best friends...I gave away our friendship. I helped give it away anyways. And now, I doubt I will ever get it back. I don't deserve to have it back. He deserves better, a better friend...who will listen to God and follow God's lead in everything. That is what I failed to do. And so, I lost him and his friendship and in it's place gained a lot of pain.
 So, why after 7 months..after having hashed most of this out before I gave him the letter that silenced him from talking to me, why now does all this pain resurface?

 God, help me to understand. And if not understand, just trust You. Heal me, though I am so undeserving. Help me. Amen.

Anne of Avonlea

Just a quote from a book I really like...
 "Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into ones life with pomp and blase, like a gay knight riding down. Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways. Perhaps it revealed itself in seeing prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music. Perhaps...perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath" -LM Montgomery

Alright

Okay, okay, fine. I still like him as more than just a friend. However, what we are is just friends. To be completely honest, most of the time I am content with that, though occasionally I wish for something more. Right now though, my job is to be a friend and so I shall be. I really think God is teaching me patience, something I am not very good at but am called, as all Christians are, to develop. Having said that, I do not necessarily think that God will allow this friendship to ever be anything more than simply a friendship, that is not really important right now. I think, I am learning to rejoice is the situation He currently has me in. To be patient with what is going on day to day and not try to rush into the future and plan everything. Because, honestly, I would butcher it. Its a blessing He doesn't let me try to plan it all out, because I wouldn't have a clue what would be best for me in 15 years, or even in 5. Luckily, He does. Also, He already knows. So, my job right now, in regards to this guy, this young man, is to be his friend. To love him well. To not try to push things or flirt (with seems to be customary for most American girls in my situation), but to simply and contently be first his sister-in-Christ, to guard my brother-in-Christ's heart, second his friend. There is no third right now, and may never be. But God has given me the joy, yes JOY, of being a friend. Being the person who can give support, encourage him in truth, and remind him of the things he already knows or is failing to see about both himself and Christ. This position, the one of a friend, of a sister, is such a blessing, so simple, so good. I am thankful that this is where I am right now, and I ask God to continue to allow my heart to be content in Him and where He has me. Heavenly Father, thank You, for those You have placed in my life to both love and be loved by. Thank You for the lessons You are teaching me everyday, and thank You for allowing me to so clearly see those lessons some days. I know I struggle to listen and follow You, continue to tug at my heart, to draw me to You. For beyond anything, I need You, to be content in Your love, to see the reality of what Your love is. Your love is more than enough, it is better than all, it is good, it is beautiful. And Lord, thank you for beauty, through colors, sounds, smells, textures, and relationships. Help me to spread Your beauty, through my words and actions. Allow me to highlight Your wonderful creation and not to damage it. I ask all these things in Your wonderful Son's name, Christ Jesus who is my Lord, Savior, Redeemer, King and Friend. With love, to Love. Amen

God is faithful

So there is a song that we've been singing at church lately, and its a really good one. Here are the lyrics by Matt Redman: "Standing on this mountaintop Looking just how far we’ve come Knowing that for every step You were with us Kneeling on this battle ground Seeing just how much You’ve done Knowing every victory Was Your power in us Scars and struggles on the way But with joy our hearts can say Yes, our hearts can say Never once did we ever walk alone Never once did You leave us on our own You are faithful, God, You are faithful Kneeling on this battle ground Seeing just how much You’ve done Knowing every victory Was Your power in us Scars and struggles on the way But with joy our hearts can say Yes, our hearts can say Never once did we ever walk alone Never once did You leave us on our own You are faithful, God, You are faithful You are faithful, God, You are faithful Scars and struggles on the way But with joy our hearts can say Never once did we ever walk alone Carried by Your constant grace Held within Your perfect peace Never once, no, we never walk alone Never once did we ever walk alone Never once did You leave us on our own You are faithful, God, You are faithful Every step we are breathing in Your grace Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise You are faithful, God, You are faithful You are faithful, God, You are faithful" Although my scars may not be as deep as some... they still hurt me Although my struggles not as large as some people's... I am still tempted Although my battles may look small compared to some... I still get wounded But, God has never left me. Nor has He ever left those with scars deeper, struggles larger, or battles greater than mine. He heals my scars, when I let Him. He gives me peace through struggles, when I look to Him, turn to Him, run to Him, seek Him. And He has given me victory! Has, that is past tense people, He HAS GIVEN me victory, through the death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ. I have victory over the chains of sin, over death, because of His great love. This means that I can chose to do what is righteous, good, pure, lovely. I don't always chose what is right though, and that is when I get my scars and my struggles rise up...but He gives me a way of escape and has lead me to victory...and is leading me through sanctification. As Apostle Paul said "Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own." (Phil 3:12). So, as a reminder to myself, and anyone else struggling with things, whether seemingly small or large, remember what Galatians 6: 7-9 says " Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life. And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap a harvest if we do not lose heart. "

Being a friend.

This will seem a little strange in light of the last post. But I really think God has been working on my mind and heart, protecting them and shedding light on what is really going on.
So, weird as it may sound, I really like being the friend who can offer encouragement and advice in this situation. A really good guy friend of mine is worried, I care about him, speak truth into his life about what is really going on where he is apt to believe only the negative. I am really excited and blessed to be his friend, sister in Christ, who can encourage him, point him to truth. I think my emotions were confusing the respect and care I have about him, as a good friend and brother in Christ, into something else, something not really helpful. This seems like a sudden change, but I think seeing how happy he is with the place he is currently in, and getting to talk to him about it, helps a lot. I don't feel jealous when he talks about it. I think its more that I just really care, and I need to no confuse that with other feelings.

Dear Lord, I thank You for protecting my heart and mind, even in my foolishness. I thank You for turning hard situations in to ones that are life giving and maturing. That You send all kinds of trials, not for punishment, but for our maturing, that we may be complete in You. I thank You for Your love and goodness. Continue to protect my heart. Teach me more each day to be more satisfied in You and rely on You for all things. You are good, You are God.
With love, to Love, Amen.

The things friends do.

There is something seriously wrong with having to encourage the guy you like to ask another girl out. Like really wrong with that. But as a friend, they come to you nervous, you know it is inevitable that this will happen and yet it hurts to say "its going to be alright".
Because honestly in some ways you would be happy if it didn't work out...but then that is extremely selfish. You know that you will be happy for him if the girl says yes, to see that smile spread across his face. Yet a small part will be sad that you aren't the reason for that smile.
Its funny, boys say girls don't understand what it is like to be rejected, when in all honesty we are rejected often...only its more drawn out and possibly more painful. We can't just ask and see, we have to wait, and wait, and then in a lot of situations, get rejected. Our rejection isn't direct, that is true. Rather we get rejected by not getting picked. That's just the way it works.
And well, its been a while since I've felt rejection. Then again, its been a while since I've let myself like someone who hasn't shown they liked me first...its been about 7 years? Something like that.
So those were childhood crushes, with those who barely knew I existed. This is something a little deeper and more personal, yet just as unintentional as the others were. *Sigh* Things like this happen. And well, we heal. I'll heal. And so, I say those word of encouragement, because honestly, I do want to see him happy...and if she is the girl to make him happy, then so be it. I will continue being the friend (which was going to happen either way), and I will try to calm his fears. Because honestly, why wouldn't she date him?

Well, there it is.

Lord, I pray that You teach me to run to Your arms with these feelings of rejection. I pray that You remind me that You are full of love, You do not turn me away, You call me beloved, wanted...You smile at me, delight over me. Your love is more than enough. Teach me satisfaction in You. I love You, Lord, grow that love.
With love, to Love, amen.

Speech

I really think that God has been trying to drive into my thick head the importance of speech. The words we chose to use are so powerful, they can build people up, tear them down, encourage them, or hinder them. I think Christ being called the "Word of God" in John 1 is not a coincidence, words are powerful, they carry significance.
So how am I using my words?

God gave me the words to speak to two people, whom I care very deeply about, today in a way that was encouraging and pointed them back to His truth. These were things He has been graciously teaching me, and placed in my mind to speak back to them. God is so good to me, I do not deserve it. He used me today to help two of His daughters be encouraged through difficult things.

God also showed me that I must be very careful in my speech:
Tonight I basically tore down my youngest sister completely unintentionally. I had no idea that the words I was using were the very ones that were cutting to her core...that is, until she started crying. She was not mad at me, but rather very hurt. Only then did I realize that although what I had been saying was true, it was not edifying. I was giving her information that was only hurtful and that she could in no way apply to her life or change anything. By God's grace He allowed me to use that as an opportunity to really listen to her, and in turn pour into her, encourage her, and reminder her that although she is only 12, God has her at this stage of life for a reason. To encourage her not to wish her life away, but find joy and thankfulness at the stage she is in right now.

The words I ended up saying I had no idea I was going to say at the beginning of that conversation. God has been gracious to me in giving me words to say, even when I begin wrong. That's not to say I don't still have a very long way to go, but it is encouraging to me to see that God seems to be using me to help uplift other people. I don't say this to toot my own horn. I am not eloquent in speech, I often fail to be loving in my word choice, I have not succeeded in taming my tongue (James 3:1-18), however, God has used me, in my weakness, to encourage others or even rebuke them sometimes (Proverbs 27:5). I bring this up because it's good for me to be reminded that God does use me, weak and sinful as I am, to help His other children.

With this I am reminded to "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." (Ephesians 4:29). As well as "Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit" (Psalm 34:13). And " For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit" (1 Peter 3:10).

With these in mind, Christ warns us that out of the abundance of our heart the mouth speaks (Matthew 12:33-37), and I must stay connected to the tree of life, the giver of wisdom (James 1:5-6), the Word of life, in order to be used for the Kingdom of my God and Savior.

Dear Lord,
You are the Word, You are all wisdom. May I learn to love Your truth and knowledge. May it burn on my heart. Lord, use my mouth, my words to spread Your love. Teach me to speak kindly, to encourage, to edify. I am a sinner and I fail, and I fail all the more for trying to rely on my own strength or being conceited. Lord teach me to listen to You, and the things You have taught me as well as be able to share them with others. Teach me to rely on You, grow in You, delight in You and Your ways, love, peace, joy, rebuke, hope, growth. You are God. You are all knowledge and wisdom. Use me God for Your kingdom. With love, to Love,
in the glorious name of my wonderful redeemer, Christ Jesus, Amen.

I don't know....

... what's wrong with me. Lately I have felt very emotional, but have not wanted it to show at all. So many thoughts keep going through my head, yet I can't concentrate on any of them. They are fleeting, coming and going, darting around in my head. I want to sleep, just curl up in a ball, away from everything, yet at night I can't. The last 3 nights my brain has been so active and yet unfocused I can't sleep, even though I am very tired. I don't know what is going on with me. I don't like this. I don't like me right now.
I keep questioning everything I do; was that the right thing to say to her? Should I have been paying closer attention to what she was saying? Do I spend enough time with so and so? Should I have studied more for that test? Am I doing the best I can? Am I giving off the wrong impression?
In addition to that other questions, thoughts, ideas, etc, keep running through my brain. Why do I care that he respects me and thinks I am smart? Does he know that he is the only guy I have ever loved? Why do I care if he knows that or not? Should I even write that out on the off chance that he sees it? That people think I am smart is very important to me. Do I take that too far? It isn't wrong to hope that others like you, but am I putting too much emphasis on this? People say I am a good bible study leader. I do not feel like a good leader. I am often confused, lost, and grasping for what I should do. I hate saying “I don't know”, yet it is the most honest answer I can give most the time. Why does it kinda hurt that even though I didn't like him at all like that, he moved on so quickly after saying he liked me to another girl. That is just silly! I am frustrated with myself about that. I don't want him to like me like that, so why did it bother me a little bit?
I constantly feel like I am behind in school. I have no idea what I am doing in the future. I want to go home and be home, but I know that won't solve my problems. I just want a real, big genuine hug from someone who actually cares about me. Not romantically, but as a person. Someone who just wants to comfort me. I feel like such a girl writing this out. Yet I can't help it. Is this a pathetic cry for attention or help? I don't know. I don't like that I don't know.
Why have I started feeling lonely lately? I am not supposed to date right now, God has given me peace and direction about that...so why this new feeling cropping up?

Oh God, I am so frazzled right now. I can't think straight, my emotions are screwed up, I am grasping for air. Help me. Calm me. Teach me Your peace. I will count this trial as joy, because I know You are wanting to grow me. Lord help me to view things in light of eternity, in light of Your gift, of You, and not my crazy emotions. Lord I trust You, teach my heart to trust You more.
With love, to Love, in the wonderful name of my beloved Savior, Christ Jesus, Amen.