After writing that last post two things happened; one I instantly felt relieved, as if I had gotten something off my mind, off my chest, out into the open. Two, I felt selfish, as if crying out for attention.
This was not my purpose, but still may seem to be the result of such a blog. For anyone who reads my blog, please do not take the previous blog to be a plea for compliments. That is not what I am, far from it actually. I tend to respond negatively to compliments.
Rather its a baring of my feelings. Yes it seems silly to me to write out such personal things to such a public domain. However, I know relatively few people actually read this, and of those who do y'all would probably just ask me if you had any major concerns.
Please do not think I am depressed, I am not, thanks be to my glorious loving heavenly Father.
I do have moments of sadness, and confusion. Things I am trying to figure out.
Maybe I am just dramatic in my writing...though when I look back on things they accurately reflect the way I felt/feel. Maybe my emotions about the topic are just too strong. This I do not know.
Anyways, I am just writing this because I felt like I needed to write an explanation or maybe just write in general. I have this urge to just put my thoughts onto the screen right now. I can't really explain it. But oh well, not all things in this life can be explain.
Its really late and I should be sleeping, but I don't want to.
I love sleep, but am almost afraid of sleeping right now. It doesn't make sense. I just feel apprehensive. I should try anyways.
OK.
Dear Lord, as I try to sleep tonight, give me Your peace. Help my thoughts to be glorifying to You. May my focus be on Your glory and love.
With love, to Love, Amen.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
value?
A question keeps going through my head and I don't know the answer to it.
This question was sparked by a conversation I had with one of my friends.
This question has actually shifted slightly from one that is very similar to it. The first question was "Do you consider yourself valuable?", which has now shifted to "why don't you consider yourself valuable?"
Why don't I?
The Lord of the entire universe says He loves me, has given me value, says I am worth His life. If that isn't value, then nothing is.
Yet these are truths I know, but they don't sink in.
Can I not accept that I am so loved?
I know what the Lord says about me. He delights in me (Zephaniah 3:17). He loves me enough to send His son to live and die for me. For me.
Yet, I feel worthless. I honestly feel like I am not worth the time of day to anyone. I often feel that if I were not here then it really would not make a difference in anyone's life.
People have told me differently, but I don't see what they are talking about.
I do not think I have any skills or gifts that really benefit people.
I want to, I desire to care and love and really be able to help others. I want to do things that make a difference, but I feel incapable.
I lack the gifts of so many around me. I am not brave, or creative, or of wise counsel, or generous, or intellect.
This is one of the reasons why I've decided to carry on with my no dating in college. It isn't so much that I am in college, but that I am too much of an emotional wreck, too confused and lacking in confidence to want to put a guy (or well man) through that crazy roller coaster. It simply would not be fair, nor would it be healthy or good.
I sit here with tears in my eyes, because I don't want people to read this and then just say "oh, but you are so great at this or that". That's not what I want. I want to know that God can use me. I believe He can use anyone...but myself. I feel as though I possess nothing in which can further God's kingdom.
Oh I hate that I believe the lies of Satan. God can use me. I know He can. I want Him to. Why do I despair? Why is my soul downcast? Why do I have such little faith?
I can think of plenty of days in which I greatly dislike myself, but very few in which I see myself as having any value.
Why can't I find value when looking at myself. I see the value of others. Do I not have value as well?
Dear Lord, help me to not focus on myself. On my shortcomings, lack of gifts. OH Lord, help me. Help me to be satisfied in You. For this life is not about me, it's about Your glory and love. Why am I so frustrated within myself. Redirect my focus, teach me Your ways, to see life through Your eyes. Give me the grace to rejoice in the gifts of others without sadness for the lack of being able to see mine. Christ Jesus, You are good, great, gracious and glorious. In You is all satisfaction. Teach this to my heart.
with love, to Love, in Your glorious name, Amen.
This question was sparked by a conversation I had with one of my friends.
This question has actually shifted slightly from one that is very similar to it. The first question was "Do you consider yourself valuable?", which has now shifted to "why don't you consider yourself valuable?"
Why don't I?
The Lord of the entire universe says He loves me, has given me value, says I am worth His life. If that isn't value, then nothing is.
Yet these are truths I know, but they don't sink in.
Can I not accept that I am so loved?
I know what the Lord says about me. He delights in me (Zephaniah 3:17). He loves me enough to send His son to live and die for me. For me.
Yet, I feel worthless. I honestly feel like I am not worth the time of day to anyone. I often feel that if I were not here then it really would not make a difference in anyone's life.
People have told me differently, but I don't see what they are talking about.
I do not think I have any skills or gifts that really benefit people.
I want to, I desire to care and love and really be able to help others. I want to do things that make a difference, but I feel incapable.
I lack the gifts of so many around me. I am not brave, or creative, or of wise counsel, or generous, or intellect.
This is one of the reasons why I've decided to carry on with my no dating in college. It isn't so much that I am in college, but that I am too much of an emotional wreck, too confused and lacking in confidence to want to put a guy (or well man) through that crazy roller coaster. It simply would not be fair, nor would it be healthy or good.
I sit here with tears in my eyes, because I don't want people to read this and then just say "oh, but you are so great at this or that". That's not what I want. I want to know that God can use me. I believe He can use anyone...but myself. I feel as though I possess nothing in which can further God's kingdom.
Oh I hate that I believe the lies of Satan. God can use me. I know He can. I want Him to. Why do I despair? Why is my soul downcast? Why do I have such little faith?
I can think of plenty of days in which I greatly dislike myself, but very few in which I see myself as having any value.
Why can't I find value when looking at myself. I see the value of others. Do I not have value as well?
Dear Lord, help me to not focus on myself. On my shortcomings, lack of gifts. OH Lord, help me. Help me to be satisfied in You. For this life is not about me, it's about Your glory and love. Why am I so frustrated within myself. Redirect my focus, teach me Your ways, to see life through Your eyes. Give me the grace to rejoice in the gifts of others without sadness for the lack of being able to see mine. Christ Jesus, You are good, great, gracious and glorious. In You is all satisfaction. Teach this to my heart.
with love, to Love, in Your glorious name, Amen.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Something to think about
So lately I have heard a lot about short term missions trips. Whether with my home church or the church I attend while in college. So it got me thinking, what is the reason most people go on short-term missions trips? Why are they going and what are they expecting?
I sent out a question to a lot of my friends and family and these were the responses (many of which had follow up comments and discussions, but I am not going to include those because it would just be confusing):
The original question "What do you believe is the main point of short term missions trips"
Answers:
JCA- " To go aid a long0term missionary and gain mission experience, loving people and being stretched out of your comfort zone."
JH -"Hmm, a good question...I have never been on one myself, but my answer would have to be so that we as Christians get to exhibit the hands, heart and head of Christ to others and share his love and reflect his character... Additionally so we as Americans get the opportunity to remove our "blinders" in order to see what life is like in a different area of the world to help put our "position" more into perspective"
JVA- "To connect the church with the rest of the body, to transform the lifestyle and outlook of those who go on theses trips, to financially bless those who are doing long term missions. It is a way for people to love Christ in a tangible way: doing what they know they should do. I' sure there are other reasons."
JA- "Okay. Well, I think that short term mission trips affect the people going on the trip more than the people they are going to serve. It helps people see that there is another World out there that people live in. There is poverty and strife in the world. God is already working inthe place you visit. He does not need your help to serve people and "fix" their lives. We cannot go to Mexico for a week and expect to change their lives. It is pretty arrogant of us to think we can change anybody's life in a week."
MD- "Short term I think is mainly spiritual development/missions awareness for the person going on the trip as well as development of relationship in the universal church... I think it raises important awareness of yourself, God, and other believers"
VG- "I think its more for us to open our eyes, to prepare us for bigger things, and to feel the spirit. Also to expose other people to us, a people willing to act and be lead by the spirit"
VA- "I think that if you do go on one God can show you something that is eye opening in that way if that makes sense. It's a good experience to be able to be in that setting and delve in that culture too if you are going to a different country"
DC- "So [my sister] went on a short term mission trip, and it changed her life completely. God seriously got a hold of her heart once she was disconnected from America and americana. That's why she is where she is now, trying to get a missions degree. It became so obvious to her, to the point of her never being able to ignore it again, that Jesus bleeds for this world, and that there can't possibly be anything more important in life than fighting to accomplish the deepest dreams and desires of your lover and master"
LB- "To have a large number of ppl that lay down some work that can be followed up on later. To glorify God."
CM- "Hm. I probably will know better after I get back from {short term mission trip}. Maybe to rely on God more than your own abilities."
BV- "I believe the main point is to get a glimpse of the work the Lord is doing in another part of the world on a smaller scale. I know before I went on SP I had never considered doing long-term missions, but now after going on both SP's I am totally open to doing long-term missions if God opens that door for me after graduation. I also think SP's re a great way to see whether or not you feel like the Lord is putting missions on your heart! :)"
AD- "I think probably to understand how blessed we are and to learn humbleness and servitude"
NA- "Developing personal passion for cross cultural ministry"
JC- "In most cases it seems to do more for the person going than anything. I think it opens eyes to what's really going on in the world. It also gives people a chance to go & serve ministries that need the help. That's my in a nutshell version I guess."
JRA- "Short term missions makes me think that potentially Gos has set up things needed and like a revival, maybe the spark is needed. So the effect I guess would be the people you are able to reach in that short time. Empowerment of the locals in the knowledge of Christ. I guess then a long term mission would be for a much more grand scale. Establishing a church and literally harvesting the sowing."
AC- "Reaching out to people and planting seeds"
LC- "To experience something uncomfortable and to challenge you to do something way out of your comfort zone. Since God doesn't call us to live a comfortable life, it's a good way to experience that discomfort to serve others. Meeting people that are nothing like you and being able to form those relationships is one of the most rewarding feelings in the world. The month I spend in {country} changed my life and I think about the people I met everyday. It's just amazing. And the discomfort turned into comfort when I really got to know those people and loved on these orphans that felt like they had no one that loved them or cared about them and being able to show God's love to them through you. I could go on and on. I'm pretty sure that is where I want to end up one day."
JN- "to glorify God through serving either by assisting in the spread of evangelism (though the usefulness of short term missionaries is debated in this regard) or by work projects and visiting/encouraging the local church. it might be fair to at least be aware that such adventures can drive home the realities of the outside world and encourage believers in advancing their own faith though such advancement should be done for the sake of others or, more correctly, for God's sake. but it's all theory. I'm really too young and inexperienced to be sure."
JD- "To expose people to condition in the rest of the world, meet the physical needs of others, and hopefully have spiritual change/renewal in those going"
BS- "To spread the love of Christ to anyone you can reach and grow your own relationship with Christ by sharing him with everyone else :)"
SS- "Well I think we should always be ministering but I think a short term mission trip is where you go somewhere you normally wouldn't go and your purpose isn't to sight see but to spend your time telling anyone willing to listen about Jesus. About getting you out of your comfort zone. Being willing to take up your cross and follow him. We come back on fire for God because we've given him all our time and then we lose our passion by rejoining our old busy lives. Sometimes he sends us away to remember our passion and love for him. So many benefits. You teach people about Jesus and he further teaches you who he is."
EH- "To pop the bubble of those who go on them...Give them eyes for real struggles, real opportunities to serve, real need for Jesus..in a universal way. Those who go and those who they serve."
DM- "Short term missioning, if they're successful. You goob... seems like same point as regular, only condensed. So maybe serving practical, spiritual needs quickly"
MD- "I don't know that I do think there is a "main point" of them that applies in general to all of them except for simply following God's direction. I think the purpose and reason for each one can be so different. I believe God uses those experiences to grow and shape the people who are on them as well as to bless others by being encouraged, or giving them the opportunity to encourage and challenge others."
My response: "I think its so God can open our eyes, teach us how to really love, especially in situations where we are not in our comfort zone. To teach us to rely on Him and be willing to serve Him anywhere He puts us".
.... more to come, still waiting on some replies then I will finish this out with some thoughts and questions. =)
I sent out a question to a lot of my friends and family and these were the responses (many of which had follow up comments and discussions, but I am not going to include those because it would just be confusing):
The original question "What do you believe is the main point of short term missions trips"
Answers:
JCA- " To go aid a long0term missionary and gain mission experience, loving people and being stretched out of your comfort zone."
JH -"Hmm, a good question...I have never been on one myself, but my answer would have to be so that we as Christians get to exhibit the hands, heart and head of Christ to others and share his love and reflect his character... Additionally so we as Americans get the opportunity to remove our "blinders" in order to see what life is like in a different area of the world to help put our "position" more into perspective"
JVA- "To connect the church with the rest of the body, to transform the lifestyle and outlook of those who go on theses trips, to financially bless those who are doing long term missions. It is a way for people to love Christ in a tangible way: doing what they know they should do. I' sure there are other reasons."
JA- "Okay. Well, I think that short term mission trips affect the people going on the trip more than the people they are going to serve. It helps people see that there is another World out there that people live in. There is poverty and strife in the world. God is already working inthe place you visit. He does not need your help to serve people and "fix" their lives. We cannot go to Mexico for a week and expect to change their lives. It is pretty arrogant of us to think we can change anybody's life in a week."
MD- "Short term I think is mainly spiritual development/missions awareness for the person going on the trip as well as development of relationship in the universal church... I think it raises important awareness of yourself, God, and other believers"
VG- "I think its more for us to open our eyes, to prepare us for bigger things, and to feel the spirit. Also to expose other people to us, a people willing to act and be lead by the spirit"
VA- "I think that if you do go on one God can show you something that is eye opening in that way if that makes sense. It's a good experience to be able to be in that setting and delve in that culture too if you are going to a different country"
DC- "So [my sister] went on a short term mission trip, and it changed her life completely. God seriously got a hold of her heart once she was disconnected from America and americana. That's why she is where she is now, trying to get a missions degree. It became so obvious to her, to the point of her never being able to ignore it again, that Jesus bleeds for this world, and that there can't possibly be anything more important in life than fighting to accomplish the deepest dreams and desires of your lover and master"
LB- "To have a large number of ppl that lay down some work that can be followed up on later. To glorify God."
CM- "Hm. I probably will know better after I get back from {short term mission trip}. Maybe to rely on God more than your own abilities."
BV- "I believe the main point is to get a glimpse of the work the Lord is doing in another part of the world on a smaller scale. I know before I went on SP I had never considered doing long-term missions, but now after going on both SP's I am totally open to doing long-term missions if God opens that door for me after graduation. I also think SP's re a great way to see whether or not you feel like the Lord is putting missions on your heart! :)"
AD- "I think probably to understand how blessed we are and to learn humbleness and servitude"
NA- "Developing personal passion for cross cultural ministry"
JC- "In most cases it seems to do more for the person going than anything. I think it opens eyes to what's really going on in the world. It also gives people a chance to go & serve ministries that need the help. That's my in a nutshell version I guess."
JRA- "Short term missions makes me think that potentially Gos has set up things needed and like a revival, maybe the spark is needed. So the effect I guess would be the people you are able to reach in that short time. Empowerment of the locals in the knowledge of Christ. I guess then a long term mission would be for a much more grand scale. Establishing a church and literally harvesting the sowing."
AC- "Reaching out to people and planting seeds"
LC- "To experience something uncomfortable and to challenge you to do something way out of your comfort zone. Since God doesn't call us to live a comfortable life, it's a good way to experience that discomfort to serve others. Meeting people that are nothing like you and being able to form those relationships is one of the most rewarding feelings in the world. The month I spend in {country} changed my life and I think about the people I met everyday. It's just amazing. And the discomfort turned into comfort when I really got to know those people and loved on these orphans that felt like they had no one that loved them or cared about them and being able to show God's love to them through you. I could go on and on. I'm pretty sure that is where I want to end up one day."
JN- "to glorify God through serving either by assisting in the spread of evangelism (though the usefulness of short term missionaries is debated in this regard) or by work projects and visiting/encouraging the local church. it might be fair to at least be aware that such adventures can drive home the realities of the outside world and encourage believers in advancing their own faith though such advancement should be done for the sake of others or, more correctly, for God's sake. but it's all theory. I'm really too young and inexperienced to be sure."
JD- "To expose people to condition in the rest of the world, meet the physical needs of others, and hopefully have spiritual change/renewal in those going"
BS- "To spread the love of Christ to anyone you can reach and grow your own relationship with Christ by sharing him with everyone else :)"
SS- "Well I think we should always be ministering but I think a short term mission trip is where you go somewhere you normally wouldn't go and your purpose isn't to sight see but to spend your time telling anyone willing to listen about Jesus. About getting you out of your comfort zone. Being willing to take up your cross and follow him. We come back on fire for God because we've given him all our time and then we lose our passion by rejoining our old busy lives. Sometimes he sends us away to remember our passion and love for him. So many benefits. You teach people about Jesus and he further teaches you who he is."
EH- "To pop the bubble of those who go on them...Give them eyes for real struggles, real opportunities to serve, real need for Jesus..in a universal way. Those who go and those who they serve."
DM- "Short term missioning, if they're successful. You goob... seems like same point as regular, only condensed. So maybe serving practical, spiritual needs quickly"
MD- "I don't know that I do think there is a "main point" of them that applies in general to all of them except for simply following God's direction. I think the purpose and reason for each one can be so different. I believe God uses those experiences to grow and shape the people who are on them as well as to bless others by being encouraged, or giving them the opportunity to encourage and challenge others."
My response: "I think its so God can open our eyes, teach us how to really love, especially in situations where we are not in our comfort zone. To teach us to rely on Him and be willing to serve Him anywhere He puts us".
.... more to come, still waiting on some replies then I will finish this out with some thoughts and questions. =)
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