I've felt like I should write this, but haven't wanted to. Its something I have been struggling a lot with, this last year, but especially this last week.
I don't want to sound self-pitying, yet I am afraid that will be the way it comes across. I am not saying this hoping someone will refute it, but because it is what is on my heart.
I have felt inadequate lately.
How ironic after reading my sister's latest blog about this very issue.
And I truly do know He is enough, more than enough.
So loving, kind, generous, healing is my heavenly father!
And so I am trying to understand where these feelings are coming from.
To figure out how to rejoice in the gifts He has given to others, without becoming envious of them.
It is not that I wish they did not have those gifts, I am so glad they have them! And they use them for the glory of the father.
It just saddens me that I do not know how to participate in that way.
So many of my wonderful, loving, God-fearing, God-honoring friends are so musically talented. They either have amazing instrumental skills, great voices, or both. And I simply do not fit that category at all. Although my voice is not terrible, it also, in all honesty, is not very good.
I so desire to join in when they start to play, but find myself on the sidelines.
Please if any of you are reading this, continue to play around me! I enjoy your music immensely and don't want you to feel awkward around me for having written this.
I desire to have a gift that I can share. Join in with other people and do.
I know I have heard people say I am good with kids and babies, and I know that helps people other than just me, but its not really something you can do in a group.
I'm not really sure how to put into words what I have been struggling with.
I guess its realizing that I don't really have a place where I fit in.
At school, I do not fit in with the Corps guys that my former roommate hangs out with all the time. I do not understand the military. I don't feel like I fit in here either, since I have no real musical abilities.
People have said, well you are athletic and you like sports so you fit in that way. But as I get older, it honestly gets more difficult to find people to play with. Most guys want to play with other guys, and girls, there are fewer who really want to play (I think some of my guy friends who still include me, you have no idea how much it means to me!).
This is rambling and really has no direction. I just feel really crummy lately and am trying to figure out why.
I have such great friends, yet I feel like I have nothing to contribute to them. Like when they start playing, I don't know the words and make it awkward. I'm the dud.
I want to give back, to them, to God.
Yet I am left with nothing, I don't know how!
Lord I know You accept me empty handed. How gracious You are! And You have given me friend who love me regardless of what I can give, thank You. Yet I so desperately want to give to You. To find a way to love You, glorify You, alone but also with a group. To be creative LOrd!
Yet not my will, but Your will be done.
Help me to accept what You have given me, but also what You have not.
I know You are good. Your plans are good.
Help me to see that Lord!
I need Your eyes to see that.
Help me.
With love, to Love. Amen
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1--I want to play sports with you!
ReplyDelete2--Your gift with babies is something you can do in a group, (especially with your family) and you are better at interacting and engaging while also entertaining children than most
3--I tried explaining your elusive quality in this blog post: http://consideringloss.blogspot.com/2010/11/true-grace-of-southern-womanhood.html and I don't know that I can do any better here, but you have a glue-like quality that makes people comfortable, that just makes things fit better! I know that is intangible, but I haven't figured out how to describe it.
4--you are completely uncompromising. You don't back off from what you believe, and I have been amazed ever since you were young at your ability to fearlessly articulate what you believe even in super secular environments without backing down. In doing so, you have pointed me towards God, and towards areas that I have maybe compromised where I don't mean to or realize.
I know you didn't write this begging for compliments. But I couldn't let it pass by without commenting! I love you!
Thank you Mel, it really means a lot to me!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes we should play sports! Can't let the guys have all the fun.
Also, God has been blessing me so much since I wrote this. Just telling me that He loves me regardless of what we consider talents on this earth. And teaching me that if I want to be honoring to Him, to be thankful.
I am so blessed to have you in my life I can't even describe it!
I think one of my biggest problems is fear. I am afraid to look silly. But sometimes that is what God calls us to, to look silly to the world in order to live fully for Him. So I'm trying to learn how to do that.
To sing loudly.
Be thankful for the little things
Enjoy friendships
Realize blessings
To learn how to be a good friend, and not as judgmental as He keeps reminding me I am.
This seems not the same as not being afraid, but it relates to it.
By singing loudly for Him, there is the chance of looking like a fool.
To being thankful for the little things, is to realize how blessed I am, and face it that others are not as much...and what should be my response to such a realization.
To enjoy friendships is to engage deeper, which means becoming vulnerable,open to hurt.
To realize all blessing is to see that they are simply that, a blessing, a gift...I did not earn them and they can be taken away.
But perfect love casts out fear, so I must run to Love to teach me how to love Him and others perfectly.