Home again

Well here I am, home again.
And very glad to be...and yet, its not the same.

I love being with my family, and actually do not miss college station much at all (if at all). I think its that here its harder for me to go places. I can not just walk across campus and visit people. And since I don't have a car, I can't drive anywhere. Not that I mind so much, its just very different.
I enjoy getting to talk to my family, be around children again, have my own room, attend my home church. And yet there is an ache that comes with being home.
Not an ache for somewhere else, but for what used to be and is no longer.
I feel no different than how I was a year ago, which saddens me, because I think I should.
In less than a month I will be 21, a legal adult in all ways in the eyes of the law. Yet I still feel like such a child.
I do not know what I am supposed to do.
I feel lost, like I am going in circles, and these emotions, memories, feelings and attachments, that I so desperately want to be rid of, continue to cycle all the more.
How do I get him out of my head and away from my heart? I do not desire that he is there. I want God there, to fill every space of it, to clean it out. I desperately call out and pray to You, Lord, heal, fix, mend, remove, burn away, restore me!

Why will they not pass or fade? I think they are gone only for another wave to sweep over me. I feel like I am drowning sometimes.

Yet, the Lord is merciful. He gives me life lines, family, good friends, and most importantly Himself.

Lord,
Help me please, to every day focus on You and what You would have of me.
Take away what needs to be taken, and fill me with You instead.
Thank You for Your mercy and love.
I need You and love You, though I am often bad at showing it.
With love, to true Love.
Amen