It no longer feels like alone...

So often I have viewed the words "alone" and "single" as synonyms. But that is by far not the case. And although I have told myself time and time again that there is a difference between the two things, in the back of my mind I think I still saw them the same.

But, by God's grace, I no longer do.
Struggling over the last winter break (trying to understand what I needed to do, where the guilt was coming from, realizing what I needed to do and trying to figure out how to do it) I was confused. I kept putting the blame on something else, and really believing that was the cause. When really what God was telling me is "you are not ready for this. First be satisfied in Me"

Although I have heard this many many many many times before, I didn't understand what it meant. To be honest I know I still don't completely grasp it. But I do know that when I had that conversation (as hard as it was, as long as it was) when I walked away, although I was sorry for the pain that I had caused by beginning such a thing, I felt lighter. Free almost. God gave me a sense of peace.

For the first time in a while, I wanted to read my bible, to pray.
I hadn't even realized how hard that had become for me until it no longer was.

Last night at breakaway there were two songs that stuck out to me. God's grace in reminders. God's love through our realization of Him and His power, love, mercy, justice.

The first song was "You alone can rescue" by Matt Redman

And the lines get repeated some, so this was probably about the 3rd or 4th time I was singing these lyrics when it just hit me:

"You alone can rescue, You alone can save "

As dumb as it may sound, this had been one of my biggest fears with having that conversation...that it would drive him away from God.
But God just told me, "its not your job to save or rescue, its Mine. And I can do it no matter what you have done".
God just allowed His peace to rest on me. He gave me the ability to lay down my burden at His feet. His grace is enough, its always enough.

The second song was: "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher
"Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
But fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love"

Just His constant reminder to return to Him.
Just joy in His love.
He has given me peace and joy.
Its hard to explain. But those who understand know that already. Yet it is so great.

I do know that got has great things for me now. I have NO CLUE what they are. But I know that I need to do it just Him and me. And I am happy about that.
Its no longer alone to be single, not in the least. Its to learn to be closer to my True Love, to my Savior, to learn to be satisfied in Him and Him alone.

Lord, thank you for changing my mind, and my heart. For taking away earthly longing that I hadn't even realized my directing my actions. Help me to hold to this realization that You are all I need. I find joy and peace in You. And when I am in turmoil Lord, help me to realize You are the only thing solid . You are more than enough. Help me to search out what You desire for me, here and now. I love You Lord. Help me to grow in that love.
With love, to Love. Amen.