Its finals week and I am restless. Unable to sit down and study.
What is worse though, is my overall lack of desire to read the Word. Life giving Words that are readily available.
Why am I running from them?
I need to confess my sins to my Father in heaven, and yet I am afraid to approach His throne.
Its so silly how I try to run/hide from a God who is everywhere....who dwells inside of me. Why is He willing to stay in such a filthy home? Its beyond me the vastness of His love.
I know these words to be true, yet I have lost all feeling towards them.
It is completely wrong to here all the truths about my God, Savior, King...and not be affected by it.
My heart is a stone...it will cause me to sink to the bottom of the ocean.
Only He can't melt it, but why am I not letting Him.
I feel myself gasping for air, choking on the things around me...yet I do not reach out to oxygen?
Why am I running from You, Lord? I need You. My head abundantly knows that I need You, as does my heart...yet it does not understand. Lord make it understand. Please. Change anything in my life to bring me back to You, closer to You. Do what You have to Lord. For I need You more than anything else. I recognize this truth. I hold to it. I hope in it. Regardless of whether I feel it or not. I know this is the Truth. That You are the TRUTH, the LIFE, LOVE, HOPE, PEACE and JOY.
With the tiny bit of love I have through Your grace, to Love. Amen
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Selah's obediance to me isn't any less beautiful when she obeys even though she doesn't FEEL like it... it is even MORE beautiful to me. Just be faithful to obey! Even more so when you don't feel like it... that is SO honoring to Him!!!
ReplyDeleteYour feelings may fluctuate, but you do NOT have a heart of stone! How you live your life is evidence that you are deeply affected by His love and truth. Think about the range of emotions Jesus went through, think about how He responded emotionally at different times. It is NOT a sin to have a wide range of emotional responses to life! Just keep doing what you know is right!
And if you've done something that needs confessing, just do it! He will be faithful and just and completely purify you!
I love you!
Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Screwtape Letters: "Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." I have definitely been where you are. Somehow I find myself clinging to scraps and memories of feelings and passion and provision and providence, but it is hard to believe that any of it ever was actually real! I think God will forgive us these periods of doubt...it is like in a Wrinkle in Time where they talk about how the Earth is in shadow...ever since reading that I have pictured our planet like that. I think it's why we sometimes get the "praying to the ceiling effect." Also, remember 2 Timothy 2:13: If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself. No matter how you feel at the time, or how much you don't feel like reading your Bible, He is faithful, because that is who He is!
ReplyDeleteThank you both so very much. It really means a lot to me, and its helpful to just be reminded of the truth, His truth.
ReplyDeleteThank you!