I've still been going through a lot of hurt lately, asking myself useless questions because its not as if you can change the past, but still the questions come.
Was it worth it?
Would I change anything?
Would it have been better never to have known you?
And I think I'm finally realizing answers to those questions, or at least some of them.
Was it worth it:
Yes. Although my heart is still torn, I would not change loving you. I also wouldn't have experienced the deep peace of Christ. God has definitely been carrying me these last few months, in the form of friends, family, His word-both read and spoken into my life. God is healing me, although it is taking a while, partly because of my stubbornness, He is healing my heart.
Are there some things I wish I could change? Yes, just as much for your sake as mine. I regret somethings because they were not good for either of us. And for that I am sorry. But I am not sorry for learning to love you, just sometimes the way I wrongly expressed it.
Would it have been better never to have known you:
NO. A solid no. I would not give up your friendship even if it meant the pain would never have been there. You meant and mean too much to me. I would not give up our memories, I cherish them. I loved seeing God grow in your life, I know you don't feel like it was all that much, but I saw Him change you from the inside out, and I see Him at work in your life. I love you, I wanted you in my life. I know things didn't work out the way we wanted, but I still don't want to give you up. Its what I was afraid of at the beginning, why I tried to push you away initially. But no, it would not have been better to never have known you. I'm glad I know you, and knew you, and that we were really good friends...though I'm not sure what we are anymore.
I'm sorry for having somehow pushed you away, or for some reason not being able to be in your life. I miss you, though I hope you never read this, since I know it would probably only hurt you. So here I am again venting into something I hope only a few (very few) if any ever read.
Just so you know, my first memory of you is us and another person laughing so hard that it hurt and we could no longer stand. I miss those kind of memories.
Take care, go with God, I love you.
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I know you wrote this a while ago, but I am just now reading it. I don't know if you are in a similar place at all, but I wanted to share something that is on my heart for you.
ReplyDeleteGod is the Author of deep, deep love. The more we know Him, and the more time we grow with Him, the deeper our capacity to love another becomes. Real, deep love is not wrong. Like you are learning, it is what we do with that love that matters. God always has fulfilling, wonderful ways to channel that love! The majority of it is always meant to flow back to Him. Anything we rightly love in another is a reflection of Him. He is the One that we adore! He is the One our hearts are made to hunger for. I know you do!
Something I have noticed about you is that you are very graceful. You may not think that word applies to you, but it does. You, Rachel, are graceful.
I love the woman of God you are becoming all the time. God delights in you so much!
I love you.