I'm not sure...

What to do with all these emotions.
I'm not sure who I am.
I'm not sure if I am happy or sad, grateful or longing, missing or rejoicing for.

Why was that one phone call harder than other news today? Am I that selfish.
I hate to even write out that truth. Yet it was so. And it hurts me that it is so.

God has given me peace about grandma, and yet, I so desperately feel the need to cry.
I almost wish I had gone home, but the thought of maybe seeing him seems like it would have been too hard.
Why do I feel guilty about enjoying times with friends today?
Why could my emotions seem fine today and then I break down in the shower?
I just don't understand what is going on with me.
I don't like myself, like this.

I do know that God is love, He is faithful, He is the bringer of peace. He is holding my grandma in His arms, saying "welcome home my child". She has peace.

Lord, help me to simply trust You in everything, with everything.
With love, to Love
Amen