Missing him again. Patterns of my life.

We had a normal conversation yesterday, for the first time in I don't even know how long.
It felt good, it felt nice, it felt...natural.
I missed that. I missed being able to join in a laugh with him. My good, dear old friend who I had to let go.

I miss him. Sometimes I feel guilty for missing him, since I am the one who made the final decision to say goodbye to that part of our lives. Sure, he had said goodbye many times before, but I ended it, officially and finally.
How many times I have regretted losing that friendship are impossible to count.
But, he is getting married in two days. How truly wonderful! To see him happy and smile, it brings joy to my heart. If only I could more fully express to him how truly happy I am for him. There is just something so incomplete about joy when it is not shared.

Love is an interesting thing. Once you love someone, you never stop. Though oftentimes, if not always, that love changes, it grows, shows itself in new ways.
Take him for example, I have loved him for 4+ years now. It started out as a confused young, fierce, determined not to be shaken, romantic love, that hoped beyond hope that this would last and has changed into a more mature, understanding, quiet love that enjoys to see the loved one so happy. From eros to a storge/philia love.

Oh God, thank you for giving him someone to love and to love him. May they grow in Your love together! May they learn to seek You and serve each other in all ways.



Sometimes I wonder if its wrong to miss him so much, when we have both moved on, both found ourselves in love with others. I wonder if N. would mind me missing C so much. Missing the old friendship, the old memories we made way back before there was any romantic relationship. Is it?