Finals week

Its finals week and I am restless. Unable to sit down and study.

What is worse though, is my overall lack of desire to read the Word. Life giving Words that are readily available.
Why am I running from them?
I need to confess my sins to my Father in heaven, and yet I am afraid to approach His throne.
Its so silly how I try to run/hide from a God who is everywhere....who dwells inside of me. Why is He willing to stay in such a filthy home? Its beyond me the vastness of His love.
I know these words to be true, yet I have lost all feeling towards them.
It is completely wrong to here all the truths about my God, Savior, King...and not be affected by it.
My heart is a stone...it will cause me to sink to the bottom of the ocean.
Only He can't melt it, but why am I not letting Him.
I feel myself gasping for air, choking on the things around me...yet I do not reach out to oxygen?

Why am I running from You, Lord? I need You. My head abundantly knows that I need You, as does my heart...yet it does not understand. Lord make it understand. Please. Change anything in my life to bring me back to You, closer to You. Do what You have to Lord. For I need You more than anything else. I recognize this truth. I hold to it. I hope in it. Regardless of whether I feel it or not. I know this is the Truth. That You are the TRUTH, the LIFE, LOVE, HOPE, PEACE and JOY.
With the tiny bit of love I have through Your grace, to Love. Amen

"I am a child of the King"

Because of who Jesus Christ is, and because He is my Savior and Lord:

I am a child of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, (Rev. 1:8, John 1:12)

seated with Christ in the heavenly realm. I am chosen, accepted,(Eph 2:6, 1 Pet 2:9)

and included - a citizen of heaven and a member of God's household. (John 14:1-6, Eph. 2:19)



I am loved by God unconditionally and without reservation. (Rom 5:6-8, 1 John 4:10)



I belong to Him, having been bought by Him with the (1 Peter 2:9, 1 Cor. 6:19)

precious blood of Jesus. I have eternal life and will be (1 John 5:11-13, John 3:16)

saved from all of God's wrath to come - guaranteed! (Rom. 5:9, Eph 1:13-14)



I am a Christian. I am not just different in what I do. (1 peter 4:16)

My identity has changed. Who I am has changed. Everything has become brand new. ( 2 Cor 5:17, Gal 2:20)



I am a dwelling place in which God lives by His Spirit. (Eph 2:22, 1 Cor. 6:19)

I have access to Him anytime, anywhere, for any reason. (Eph 2:22, Phil 4:6-7)



I am God's creation - His workmanship. I was created (Ps. 139, Eph 2:10)

by Him and for Him, so who I am and what I do matters.(Col. 1:16, Gal 6:7-9)

I am spiritually alive. I have been set free from the fear of death( Rom. 6:8-11, Heb 2:14-15)

and have been given life to live and enjoy to the full. (John 10:10)



I am forgiven - completely, totally, and absolutely. (1 John 1:9, Ps 103:8-13)



I have been rescued from the dominion of darkness and

brought into the Kingdom of light - the Kingdom of the Son. (Col 1:13)

I have been set free from the penalty of sin and the power of sin. (Rom 6:16-23, Gal 5:1)



I am an enemy of Satan and at war with spiritual forces of evil, (1 Peter 5:8, Eph. 6:12)

but greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)



If God is for me, it doesn't matter who or what stands against me,(Rom 8:31, Eph 1:18-23)

because nothing and no one can separate me from the love of Christ

-not hurt, pain, loss, problem, or brokenness;

not persecution, trouble, difficulty, or danger;

not abandonment, abuse, addictions, or appetites;

not desires, food, sexuality, or relationships;

not life or death, angels or demons;

not my past, the present, or the future;

no power, no person, no place, not anything in all creation; (Rom 8:35-39)

not even Satan himself shall prevail. (Col. 2:15)



I am in the hands of Jesus, in the hands of God, and nothing and no one

can snatch me out of God's hands. (John 10:27-28)



I will fear no evil because God is with me, (Ps 23:4, 2 Tim 1:7)

and He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me.(Heb 13:5)



God's presence is with me everywhere I go - (Ps 139:7)

to the heights of heaven, through the valley of the shadow,

to the ends of the earth - forever and always. (Matt. 28:19-20)



I am a child of the King and choose this day to live as one.



by Dr Ed Laymance

(All of is directly taken from scripture!) =)

A light that barely flickers.

I can't sleep.
I really want to though.

I feel like crying.
I don't like who I am.

Tonight at breakaway the speaker told a story of a boy who accepted Christ at the age of 8, and lived his life fully for God until his death at the age of 15. How after his death, because of the way he lived his life, people continued to come to Christ.

It makes me stop and think, where is my passion?
Can anyone even see that I love Christ?
Am I being a light to the world?
Am I being salt?

If not, why not.
Am I bringing or pointing people to the savior?
What areas am I not giving over to God and why am I not doing so?

I feel so lost and confused. I don't want to live my life for myself, but I don't know what I am doing, or what He wants to do through me.

God, help me. I want to live for You, I am so lost as to how. Break my heart for You. Teach me to follow You, to take up my cross daily.
Help me Lord, please please help me.
With love, to Love.
Amen

Sometimes you just can't stop the tears.

It hit me last night while singing " Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other. Our God is HEALER, awesome in power, our God".
That grandma is healed now. Completely in every way.
It also fully hit me that she is gone, at least for now.

I don't like crying at breakaway, especially in front of some of my friends. But sometimes it can't be helped. And what does it matter what they think anyways? God is what matters, He knows what my tears were for, and He comforted me right away as I sang the following song, On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...ALL other ground is sinking sand.

Lord, You know what I need every moment. Help me to continue in You. To stand on You alone.
With Love, to Love
Amen.

I'm not sure...

What to do with all these emotions.
I'm not sure who I am.
I'm not sure if I am happy or sad, grateful or longing, missing or rejoicing for.

Why was that one phone call harder than other news today? Am I that selfish.
I hate to even write out that truth. Yet it was so. And it hurts me that it is so.

God has given me peace about grandma, and yet, I so desperately feel the need to cry.
I almost wish I had gone home, but the thought of maybe seeing him seems like it would have been too hard.
Why do I feel guilty about enjoying times with friends today?
Why could my emotions seem fine today and then I break down in the shower?
I just don't understand what is going on with me.
I don't like myself, like this.

I do know that God is love, He is faithful, He is the bringer of peace. He is holding my grandma in His arms, saying "welcome home my child". She has peace.

Lord, help me to simply trust You in everything, with everything.
With love, to Love
Amen

So far this semester...

I have learned:
1st, 17 hours is way too many to take in a semester, if I ever try to do so again, someone please stop me.
2nd, I need to double and triple check all ingredients needed for food, AS WELL AS the cooking tools I will need to make things. I have left something I've needed every time. Ugh! I don't like having to stop midway through to go grab a fork, or salt or something. Its not that much fun.
3rd, dancing at the hall can be very awkward or fun. The first time this semester it was fun, second time, awkward. I'm not sure I will ever get the hang of it.
4th, although I worry about how much groceries will cost and this and that, I am sooo stinkin' rich it really isn't even funny. I mean how I can complain about not being able to eat at a certain place or anything is ridiculous. I mean if I just look around me I have way more stuff than like 90% of the world. Which is just crazy. I need to be more thankful about what God has given me.
5th, banana bread is really good at any time of the day.
6th, I tend to bake things smaller than I should, like cookies and biscuits, I can't seem to get the right size. But they still taste good, so I guess its alright.
7th I like really big windows and being able to have natural light, its really nice.
8th, I've changed a lot since last semester, meaning I will sometimes just talk to people I don't know. I have danced (two-step, and badly) with guys I have just met (Anne's friends).
9th, when it comes to things about me, I'm not very good at not disclosing it to certain people, even though I know it will probably get out and that person is not good at keeping it to themselves. I need to work on this a lot. I have already managed to embarrass myself (by having disclosed the info in the first place) waaaay too much.
10th, I will most likely always miss home a lot whenever I have to leave.
11th taking one day off a week is a good idea, I try to spend it mostly focused on God. Which is something I need to work on. Just being still and quite before Him. Thanking and listening to Him.

I'm sure there are a lot more things I have learning and just don't realize it. I'm not sure I have learned much from my classes yet, other than this semester is going to be very difficult.

I pray Lord, that You will keep me focused on the things that matter. On You, on those You've placed around me. Help me to love You more. Help me to learn the things You want to teach me this year, this semester, this month, and this day. Help me be more like You.
With love, to Love. Amen

Days that hurt.

Sadly I do believe I fall into the second category I mentioned in my last blog. Because "ouch" just seems like the right word for the day.
It started out so well too. But I guess its what I get for being nosy and having the ability to find things out, even when I don't really want to know them.

Lord, help me to heal in the way You desire me to, so that I might be able to bring glory to Your name. Help me to love You more, and the people around me. I feel lost, broken, hopeless and afraid, help me to realize in my heart (and not my head only, as it seems to be) that You are the way, You are the healer, You are hope, You are my strong tower who gave Your angels charge over me.
With love, to Love, amen.

We are all broken

Broken definition: 1 : violently separated into parts : shattered
2 : damaged or altered by breaking: as a : having undergone or been subjected to fracture of land surfaces : being irregular, interrupted, or full of obstacles c : violated by transgression

Every human being born is broken, and everyone (with the exception of Christ) was born broken.

Looking at Chupa's leg is a reminder. Something happened that broke her leg, and had it healed properly it would have been fine, all she needed was a cast. Something to correct the healing process. But since it went untreated, the only way I see her leg being fixed is to first re-break it. That way it can truly heal this time.

This is the way it is with us. We can chose to allow God to heal us the right way from the beginning. Realizing He is "the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through him"
By doing so, we allow ourselves to begin to heal correctly.

When God is our focus, He surrounds us, covers our wounds and heals us.
He has the power to heal us: Luke 1:37 Luke 18:27 Ephesians 3:20

He doesn't want to you be hurting and sick, broken:
(Deuteronomy 7:15)
(Exodus 23:25)
(Psalm 107:20)
(Psalm 103:2)
(Psalm 34:19)
(Jeremiah 30:17)
(Psalm 30:2)
(Psalm 147:3)
(Psalm 34:10)


Yet sometimes, we, stubborn and stiff-necked refuse to allow Him to heal us right away, thinking we know what is best. And so we will limp along until we chose to turn back to God. But we will have to be broken again, molded, reshaped. It is a painful process. Like the prodigal son, we must except that we are poor, without anything, and return to the Father who loves us and wants to give us good things.

“AND WHENEVER YOU STAND PRAYING, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25)

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He rewards those who diligently seek Him.” (Hebrews 11:6)

“But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear.” (Isaiah 59:2)

For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion …”Therefore He has mercy on whom He wills … But indeed, O’ man, who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, “Why have you made me like this?” Does not the potter have power over the clay …” (Romans 9:15-21)

God's word makes it clear that life will be painful and hard if we do not allow Him to heal us.

Lord, my Savior, Healer, help me to remember that I can not heal myself. I need You. My heart desires You, Your healing, and the peace that only You can bring. Allow me to be satisfied in You. To turn to You in every circumstance for healing, love, acceptance...and only You. Help me to put You as the center.
With love, to Love, Amen.

Toddlers is the perfect name...

Whoever decided to call the stage after being a infant, "toddler" was very smart.
(The definition of toddle is: "to walk with short unsteady steps, as a child does when learning to walk")
It is so funny to see Alexa walk, because 70% of the time she is wobbly and trying to balance herself. My niece fell down today after my brother growled at her. It was very funny (since she was not hurt of course!)Also it kinda amazes me how much little kids run into things. I mean its almost as if they don't realize they can't go through certain objects. (And well, to be honest I still run into things a lot too! haha).

I think that also is a good way of looking at the Christian life. Even after we learn to walk, we are still fairly unsteady most of the time, either because we run into things, get scared or just don't have the confidence to stand a long time. We forget that God is right there and if we start to lose our balance we just look to Him for support. After all He is the one showing us how to walk, it just makes sense to look to Him for help doing so. I mean babies don't learn to walk watching cats, gribbles, birds or fish. They learn by seeing those around them walk, by being stood up over and over and over and over and over again.

I hope to be able to walk, and steadily too. Lord help me to look to You, and only You as an example of how to do so.
With love, to Love. Amen

"I'll put it to you, and I'll leave it to you."

I sometimes think it would be nice if we had an off switch for certain emotions and thought sequences. I think it would help.
But then again, maybe not having an off button is to allow us to grow more?
That is my question of the night (and yes I do have at least one question a day, I just can't always remember them by the time I have time to write on here...if I have time to write on here).

Lord, You created us to think and feel. Help me to think more of You and of what You want for me, and of Your word. Help me to feel more love for You and those whom You have called me to love.
With love, to Love. Amen.

My niece cracks me up!

This conversation happened on the way to Ikea, its the best I can remember it so if I messed it up a little, please tell me to fix it Elise.

"Peanut Head. Mother can I squeeze the Peanut head?"- My niece, asking if she could squeeze her little sister's head.
"Umm Peanut head?- my sister with a very confused expression
"Yeah, you said I could call her Peanut head if I said it nicely"- Niece
"I really don't remember that, but I guess its ok, only if you say it with a sweet attitude"- Still my sister is very confused.
"Its because her head is so tough, its hard!" Then she starts singing "Peanut head, peanut head" while patting/slightly squeezing the 10 month-old's head.
The baby this whole time just keeps looking from me and my sister in the front, to her sister in the back...I guess she was confused at where peanut head came from as well. If she was, she didn't seem to mind it or the squeezing of the head.

I think those two fit in very well with the whole family. =)

Baby steps

I think it is very appropriate to describe the Christian life in terms of a baby.
We are reborn, and then grow in the way of Christ...the way we were meant to live, giving glory to the Lord.

As I have watched Alexa (one of my beautiful nieces) learn to walk, I begin to realize that it is not that she lacks the ability to walk, but rather she lacks the confidence.
When she is near things to grab on to, she is much more likely to try to stand and walk than if she is in the middle of a room.
I think Christians are much the same. We have the ability to do great things for God, but the lack confidence and trust that no matter how many times we fall down, He WILL pick us up again. God doesn't just let us fall and then say "oh you can't walk yet? You failure. Oh well I guess you are on your own".
NO, God says "I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand" (John 10:28).
We have every reason to be confident in God, in what He has called us to do.
And as we grow in that, as we really believe and have faith that it is true that we can "do all things through Christ who gives us strength", we will realize that
"Great peace have those who love your law; nothing can make them stumble" (Psalm 119:165) and we will begin to take baby steps, growing in confidence, until we can finish the race strong.

Lord, help me to really believe and have confidence only in You, Your grace, Your works, Your love. Help me to know how You want me to run the path You have set before me, and to do so joyfully. Help me to learn how to take baby steps that I may learn to run to You.
With love, to Love, Amen.

When feelings fail, the Lord still is strong.

Some days are easier than others. On the harder days its important to realize that God is still in control, He is love, and He is good all the time.

Lord, thank You for being faithful, even when my emotions refuse to cooperate.
With love, to Love. Amen

God's grace, even in small things

This morning on the way to go blueberry picking for my very special and beautiful niece, I heard a song on the radio I'd never heard before.

This is how the chorus goes:
"When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands"

Who would have known I would need those words for a very frustrating and hurtful conversation that would take place later? God did.

During this conversation (which happened over text messages as prompted by the other person involved) I got so upset I simply had to leave the house. I dropped my phone on the table, and walked outside. While walking back and forth around the yard I remembered this song, and began to sing it. Although those were the only words I could remember, they spoke so directly into the situation I was in that it was incredibly helpful.

God uses even the little things in our lives to remind us He is always there and its about Him and His love anyways.

Lord, thank You for that reminder. You know as well as I that my mind can easily run away with my frustrations and make a situation so much more complicated. Thank You for stopping/interrupting those thoughts to bring me this truth "When my world is shaking, Your love stand. And when my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands". Thank You so much, my Lord, Savior, Friend.
With love, to Love. Amen.

The Hardest part...

Is surprisingly not the missing him, though there is a good bit of that still, but rather how distressed he looks whenever I am around.

The first time I have seen him smile in over 3 weeks was when he got a text message today, and was shaking his head and smiling about it as he replied. Other than that, I have not seen him look happy. I have seen him look miserable. I hate that I am part of the cause of that. I know its not just me, because that would just be ridiculous.
If it were just me, I think he would behave much like I do, since he cannot possibly miss our friendship more than I do. The same amount, I do believe so. But not more by any means, because I miss, and would be willing to be just his friend.
To be honest that's only the extent that I want. I simply want to be friends. I miss his friendship and just being able to laugh and talk with him.
Honestly I know I am not ready for any other kind of relationship right now. I have no idea what the future will hold, but I know God has a plan for it. (Jeremiah 29:11).

Dear Father, I know You have what is best in store for both him and me, I simply pray that You will help us both hold on to Your joy in everyday things. Lord, I pray that You help him learn to smile around me again, or something like that. Help me to focus on You, Your love, Your plans, Your purpose. Empty me of myself and help me only to cling to You. I know I haven't come anywhere near that Lord, I pray that You help me.
Please give both of us Your joy.
Make him happy again.
Your plans are greater.
To Love, with love, amen.

Selah, what a gorgeous name.

I cannot believe my little niece has just turned 5!
It makes me realize how I really am getting older.
When she was born I was getting ready to start high school, and now I am about to be a sophomore in college. Although I do realize that is still very young, it makes me see that as I watch Selah grow up, I have to as well. Learning how to do that in a Godly manner is more easily said than done. But I am blessed to be in a family who will continually point me back to God in any situation. A family who refuses to let me go and continues to push me on, not harshly, but knowing and lovingly. A family I will greatly miss when I once again have to go back up to College Station.
But Lord, You know best. And although I have no clue why I should go back up there, unless I feel called to go somewhere else or do something else, I will try to see the good in the situation You have allowed/put me in. Help me to be glorifying to You in all circumstances. Be it as the Lord wills.

I love You and thank You for my nieces, and nephew. They are precious. I am grateful You have put them in my life.
With love, to Love. Amen.

Looking back...."really?" sigh.

Aren't you supposed to mature and get better at things when you get older?
If this is the case, I feel as if I am missing out on something.

In thinking over my life in the last few years, I feel as if I have backtrack, I feel as if I must have been more mature at 17 or 18 than I am now....or maybe the same amount, it just seemed different because I was younger. But have I really changed? Grown at all? Am I any different?

I think I can say yes to two of those...but I don't think I like the answer to either. Changed? I think I have, but not for the better. I think I have become more selfish, more self-centered, make dumber choices, more easily frustrated. I have hurt those around me, am more argumentative with those I love. This is how I feel I have changed...and I hate it. I don't want to be a person that as the get older they isolate the people they love, that is so unpleasant no one wants to be around.
Which is why I think I can answer the "am I different", I think I am, in no way that I want to be different for all of the above reasons.

Have I grown at all? To be honest, I'm not sure that I have....and it scares me... a lot. It makes me a lukewarm, dead branch, unsalty, hidden lamp...everything we, as Christians, are supposed to be the opposite of, are called to be the opposite of.


These last few days I have been trying to figure this out, and well that is the conclusion I came to, and I really don't like it at all.


Lord, I need You to help me. I don't even know how. I just don't want to be like this, its not who You have called me to be, though I have no idea what that is. Help me to desire You, love You, live for You, because I don't even know how to begin.
Help me Lord, because I know I can't even begin to help myself.
In Your name, Amen.

Back and Forth.

Over the last few weeks I've been thinking a lot about the things that I said to him in the last few days and weeks, in the times we actually spent together. And I keep going back and forth between two extremes.

1. I should have said more, made my feelings and thoughts very clear, and then he wouldn't have thought me indifferent to our situation, and so we might still be able to be friends right now.

2. I should have said less, should have not been as eager to see him, and "make it obvious" that I wasn't eager and didn't really mind one way or the other. That way he might not think the only reason I wanted to see him was in hopes of us getting "back together".

I have, in the last few days, come to realize both those options are absurd.

In response to number one, you can never guard someone else's heart enough. If you truly care about someone you should try not to hurt them, and that often requires (especially in a situation like mine) to keep your mouth shut about certain things. Had I come out and said the many things I often felt like saying, it would have made things so much harder on him. It might have confused him on what he was supposed to do in this time, and might even have distracted him from God. Which is the last thing anyone should want or desire for another person they really care about. Maybe it was hard for him at certain times, my holding back feelings, thoughts and actions, but since we were/are at the point were those tings would have been unwise to say or do, I think it really was my only option. He said to me on that last sad day that he thinks "the hardest things to do is often the right one" and though I do not agree with that fully, in the instance of holding your tongue I think it is quite possibly true. (At least for my situation, and knowing what it is my mouth would say).

My response to number two, that would not have been practically possible, and would have simply been more hurtful to both of us. Had I acted as if I didn't care at all, number one excuse might have actually had a point. But I tried to treat him simply as another friend. One I hadn't seen in a long time, and did care for and so was intersted in his life. Had I constantly pushed him away it would have been immature of me, because I would have been guarding my own heart with no regard towards his. I would have been putting myself in a bubble in order to not get further hurt, and in truth been hurting myself more because my desires and actions would be sooo far apart that I would constantly have felt like a hypocrite and liar both to myself and those around me.

So did I act appropriately in this situation? that I still can not decided. I cannot go back and change anything, but I am hoping that if I do find the answer to that question that it might help in the future.

Lord, help me to act appropriately to those you place around me. I need You in my life to guide me, and push me in the right direction. Please give me Your light and help me to trust You, both with the past and the future. And also the present, I need a lot of help with that, which You know.
I thank You for Your love, You never let me go, even if I did all of the above wrong. Thank You Lord, for Your consistency and faithfulness. And for the family full of love You have placed me in.
In Your name, Amen.

Its the little things...

That I really wish I had someone to share with, as well as the big ones.
I noticed lately that when something happens, either with Alexa or Selah, or just something small, I really want to share it with someone. Its just something that I find funny, or that bugs me, or just interesting in general and I just want to share it with someone who understands me and my family/situation.
I guess its just really hard because I used to have that...and now I don't.

I kinda got used to that during high school. Never really having a really close friend, who cared about the little things in my life. Who was CONSTANTLY interested it what was going on, or didn't mind hearing the thousand little weird things I just simply enjoy sharing with others.

Don't get me wrong, I know I have my family, my sisters especially, who I do get to share a lot with. Who are willing to listen and love me and what to know what is going on in my life. I just I just mean, someone outside the family.
Why that makes such a big difference, I don't know.
But somehow it does.

I've just started noticing more and more how there are things I want to share, in the moment (just though a text, phone call, conversation, message, etc) that I don't have a friend to share with anymore.


And well its hard.
That's it, its just really hard.

Nothing changes

On the day you turn 20.
Just in case any of you were wondering.

Nope still feel the same that I did yesterday. But that is the way it has always been on Birthdays.
A single day does not change someone, but rather the experiences of the whole year left behind.

I think that I can look back to this day a year ago and say that I have changed. For better or for worse, I am not the best judge of that, but I do think I am somewhat different...and I hope a better different.

Today seems like it is going to be tough, though I hope not.
I don't want to think about it right now though. I'm going to get some sleep so that I can actually function tomorrow...something I don't feel I've been doing very well lately.

Thank You Lord for the time You have given me. Help me to use the time I have left to glorify You. Thank You for the family You put me in, with both the good and bad, difficult and easy, silly and serious sides of them all. Thank You for Your grace. And help me to remember today as well as all other days, that this is Your story, and You have given me the privilege to get to be a part of it.
Thank You.

How it seems

Why does it seem to me that I am having to do basically everything I do not want to do: Attend a university away from my family, take summer classes, have my best friend leave, feel like a 15 year old even though I'm about to be 20, feel like crying off and on throughout the day, not really have many really close friends outside my family besides the one I just lost.

I want to seek God, I try. Do I not try enough?
Aren't our desires supposed to line up with His plan as we try to seek Him and love Him and put Him first?
Why are my desires not lining up?
Why can I not take joy in the things He is calling me to do, or the things He is putting in my path to get through?

Sure I find peace every now and then, which I know only comes from my Savior, Comforter, True Love, God.
But why can I not be joyful in that?
What am I doing wrong?
I'm so lost and confused, hurt, downheartened, troubled, restless, wondering.

I know I am told : "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." (Psalm 43:5)

But how do you move from saying it to feeling it?

Oh God, I know You have what is best for me. Why can't I feel that? Why can't I see that Lord? Why am I blind to Your love, grace, and mercy right now? Why can't I understand?
Why?

I will continue to trust, but it hurts. Oh how it hurts.
I will lean on the hope that it will not always hurt once I learn to follow You.
But Lord it hurts.

Today sucks.

Today has been fairly horrible.
Not only do I have to start summer classes, which will be more work then I thought it would be, but also I just lost my best friend. And really one of my only real friends outside the family.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family sooo very much, and I thank y'all for being there for me.
But its just so hard to lose your best friend.
If its what is best for him, then it must be done. I just wish I knew that it was.
Oh how I wish I could just see what my future would look like, when I wasn't in the midst of this grief. I thought that I had gotten over most of it. I had become somewhat used to the idea over the semester. And then he brought up that we would be friends again, close friends it seemed. Able to talk and hang out sometimes. But now. He said "we will say goodbye indefinitely".
And so he did. He said "bye" and just walked out of my house and out of my life.
It really feels like someone just stabbed me in the heart. Decided to pull it out, then put it back in and start the process over again.

I know that God has what is best for us (Jeremiah 29:11) . He will work all things for our good (Romans 8:28) . I just don't understand why it has to been this painful. And is this really what is best?

Oh Lord, help me to understand. Please please, help me to understand. And even if I don't. Help me to continue to trust and love You.

What Freedom means to me

Only through Christ can we have freedom. Otherwise we are prisoners of our own sinful nature. There is no-one who is without sin, without blame, without wrong thoughts, actions, motives. But we have the ability to have freedom though our Lord and Savior.

John 8:36
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

2 Corinthians 3:17
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.

Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Ephesians 3:12
In Him [Christ] and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence.

Ephesians 3:11-12
This was according to the eternal purpose that he has realized in Christ Jesus our Lord, 12in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through our faith in him.

Freedom does not mean being able to do whatever you want, but rather having the ability to please the Lord. For in our sinful nature we were separated from God. But thanks to the mercy of Christ Jesus, we are able to enter into the presence of God and please Him. To no longer be a slave to solely our own desires. Freedom means the ability to do more, to be pleasing to God, to turn out back on our sinful natures by taking hold of what Christ has done for us.

Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Hebrews 13:15-16
Therefore by Him let us continually offer the sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of our lips, giving thanks to His name. {16} But do not forget to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.

Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

Isiah 64: 6
All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.

Psalms 147:11
The LORD takes pleasure in those who fear Him, In those who hope in His mercy.

Psalms 149:4
For the LORD takes pleasure in His people; He will beautify the humble with salvation.

Jeremiah 9:23-24
Thus says the LORD: "Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, Let not the mighty man glory in his might, Nor let the rich man glory in his riches; But let him who glories glory in this, That he understands and knows Me, That I am the LORD, exercising loving-kindness, judgment, and righteousness in the earth. For in these I delight," says the LORD.

Ezekiel 33:11
"Say to them: 'As I live,' says the Lord GOD, 'I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn, turn from your evil ways!

John 3:16-17
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. {17} "For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.

Romans 3:21- 24
But now the righteousness of God apart from the law is revealed, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe. For there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, being justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus whom God set forth as a propitiation by His blood, through faith, to demonstrate His righteousness, because in His forbearance God had passed over the sins that were previously committed, to demonstrate at the present time His righteousness, that He might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.

Our purpose in life is to bring glory and pleasure to the Lord. The only way this is accomplished is by accepting that we cannot, on our own, bring the Lord any glory and so we turn to the Christ Jesus, and through Him and His love we are able to please the Lord.

After all, when God first began the creation of the World, and specifically when He created man and woman. He declared that it was "good". It was pleasing to Him. And then the fall, the sinfulness of humans, caused it to no longer to be good. But through the sacrifice of Christ we are seen through His grace as "good" and pleasing to God once again.

Trying to figure it out

Each day I have to just do whats is put before me.
God has given me tasks to do everyday, and what He wants from me is to do learn to live for His glory, in light of His love, on the path He wants for me.
What does this mean practically?
Well I'm still trying to figure that out. So far this is what I have understood:
Spend time with God everyday, in His word and in prayer (Psalm 1:2-3, James 5:16,1 Corinthians 4:15-17, 1 Corinthians 11:1, Mark 1:35, Mark 6:46, Luke 4:42, Luke 5:16, Luke 6:12).

I need to wait on Him. In both small and large issues. (Matthew 6:25-34, Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalms 25:5, Psalms 25:21, Psalms 27:14, Psalms 37:7, Psalms 37:34, Psalms 62:5, Psalms 130:5, Jeremiah 14:22, Romans 8:25, 2 Thessalonians 3:5, Psalms 46:10)

Do things for others when the opportunity comes up. To live to help others and not just for myself (Acts 20:24, James 1:26-27).

Its better, but still...

I do not understand. I should be jumping for joy. After 4 months my best friend has decided that he can speak to me...only wait. It can only happen once a week.
OK. I understand where he is coming from. He has other friends he needs to focus on. Also sometimes its hard to not act as if "we are a couple", so he tells me. And I understand that. I agree that is difficult to do sometimes, but its what I have been trying very hard to do, because I don't want to lose a really good friend again.
Then he asks me, just before we get out of his truck, "Ok, I just really want to know, do you think we will ever be somethings again?
What a loaded question, with a few seconds to answer. So my response comes out like this "Oh I don't know....maybe?"(Though I don't even know if he heard the last part, he was on his way out of the truck).
Ugh, I wanted to kick myself, not exactly for my response, because that is the truth I don't know, but just for answering at all. I should have thought a second longer, prayed about it, something. Not just blurted something out like the idiot I continue to prove myself to be.
Haha, I can't help but laugh. What a question to ask. Why? I mean. "do you think we will ever be something again?" really? How on earth am I supposed to know that. Had he said "do you want to" or "how do you feel about me" or any rendition of those questions, I might have been able to answer but no, he didn't. Blessing in disguise? for me or for him? Its too early to tell.
The thing is I am not looking to be in a relationship. I just want his friendship. Sadly I think I sacrificed that long ago with being the idiot that I continue to be.


Oh to keep my heart open and vulnerable to God. I want to do what He wants. Why am I so deaf and blind.
Lord, I want to do what You want for me. How do I do that?

James 1:2-4
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Psalm 118: 24
This is the day that the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:28, 29
You are my God, and I will praise You;
You are my God, I will exalt You.
Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good!
For His mercy endures forever.

and Jeremiah 29:11

Lord help me to live these out and to love You.
Cause I suck at it, and I really need Your help.
Especially with him.

Summer

Summer has begun and it has begun well. Although I was very apprehensive about how this summer was going to go, God had already started giving me peace about it. But surprisingly in very unusual ways.
The Friday that Finals started, my first on beginning at 3 in the afternoon, I discovered that I could not take the summer math class I had planned on taking. In addition to that I found out that my AP Stats credit did not count for math. Meaning I would now have to take at least 3 hours of math classes at A&M, but probably more. This was hard to think about since I am not a fan of math, and am not good at calculus. But God used that as an opportunity to really understand the verse "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34). I had just posted that on my facebook earlier in the morning. God was showing me how I was not following Him in that moment, by worrying about the summer I was not trusting what God has in store for me. God used that verse and my father to show me that I was being hypocritical in saying I was trying to trust God while worrying about school. And after seeing that I was not trusting God, I looked on my wall and saw the note a friend had wrote me earlier in the semester "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you" (Jeremiah 29:11). (by the way, thank you again for that note, it has helped a lot). Almost immediately I felt relieved, and stopped worrying so much about what I could not change anyways. The Lord is so very gracious.
Then I found out that my mom had talked to a friend of mine, but didn't think it was a good idea to tall me what was said between them. That was hard to hear because I am a very curious person. But the Lord just gave me peace and let me know that He loved me. I needed to be loved, and I felt loved. The Lord is merciful and He tells us what we need to know about Him. He wants me to be curious about Him and desire to learn more and more about Him and His will for my life.
Then I arrived home I was greeted warmly by my family, and some friends. But was confused at how to act towards one other.
But as the summer has gone on, things have begun to take a turn for the better.
I might not be taking Biology or math this summer, though I might get some other classes in, which will still be good.
And I have gotten to hang out with my best friend quite a bit already. An unexpected blessing that I am extremely thankful for.
I will need to continue to pray, and be more diligent in keeping God has my focus since I won't have as much structured church time (as I did during the semester).

Lord, You are my life and my love. Help me to stay focused on You.
I want to dwell on Your greatness, Your mercy, what You have done for me.
Keep my focused on Your plan, and not let my selfish desires get in the way.
Thank You for Your grace, and all Your blessings. And my great friends.
I love You Lord.

From the East to the West.

It is almost 4 in the morning and I have class starting at 9. Yet here I am unable to sleep. And why is that, someone may ask?
This is why, when I lay down thoughts of all my lowest moments come flooding in. My biggest regrets. Things I wish I could take back. Things I hate about myself, that I did to myself and to others. Things that make me sick to look at myself in a mirror or go to class, be among other people, talk to anyone. I feel like filth, slime, garbage, the scum of the earth. I quite literally hate those parts of myself. My past...my current thoughts....my fear of the future.

I try and force myself to think of Truth. I mean I know those things really are true of me. and that really hurts. But I try to think of what God says of me, but that is much harder. Why is it so much harder?

I know He cares for me, is seeking me out:

"What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish." --Matthew 18:12-14 ESV

He loves me:
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". - John 3:16

Romans 5:8. But God shows and clearly proves His love for us by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

"We love because he first loved us."
1 John 4:19 New International Version

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
John 15:13 New International Version

He has forgiven me:
(God is love and...)
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear ...

-- 1 John 4:18

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:16 New International Version

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9 New International Version

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,"
Romans 8:1 New International Version

"Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.""
Isaiah 1:18 New International Version

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace."
Ephesians 1:7 New International Version

"As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Psalm 103:12 New International Version

Lord, help me to hold onto Your truth. Not anything else, but Your truth, Your love, Your Grace, Your forgiveness. Help me to cling to You, Lord.
It is the cry of my heart to follow You


It is the cry of my heart
To follow You
It is the cry of my heart
To be close to You
It is the cry of my heart
To follow
All of the days of my life
Teach me Your holy ways, O Lord
So I can walk in Your truth
Teach me Your holy ways, O Lord
And make me wholly devoted to You
Open my eyes to I can see
The wonderful things that You do
Open my heart up more and more
And make it wholly devoted to You


In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there.
In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait,
Only for You,'cause I want to know You more;
I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more.
I am reaching for the highest goal,
then I might receive the prize.
Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside,
Out of my way, 'cause I want to know you more
I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more....

Lord, I need to know You more.

Stop Drinking Sand.

Tonight at Breakaway Ben Stuart was talking about the role that emotions play in being a Christian and he asked two very important questions: 1 Where do you go to try and fill your desires? 2 What do you do with your desires?

Before I get to the answers there were some very interesting quotes that he shared:

"Sin can be defined as fulfilling a legitimate desire in an illegitimate way or at an illegitimate time" --Oswald Chambers

"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
— C.S. Lewis

"Christian duty is to aim your desires at God" --John Piper (modified)

Often are desires are misplaces, and just as often they are too weak. Its kind of ironic to think about, because we constantly feel like we can't control out emotions and desires and think that is a bad thing....and it is if our desires are not directed at God.
So what do we do?
How are we supposed to respond to our weak and misplaced desires?
I think the story about the lady at the well is clear:

John 4:7-15

⁷ A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give Me a drink.” ⁸ For His disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.
⁹ Then the woman of Samaria said to Him, “How is it that You, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.
¹⁰ Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.”
¹¹ The woman said to Him, “Sir, You have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where then do You get that living water? ¹² Are You greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well, and drank from it himself, as well as his sons and his livestock?”
¹³ Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, ¹⁴ but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”
¹⁵ The woman said to Him, “Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw.”

We are called to turn to God to meet our desires. He is the living water, the only thing that can satisfy our thirst, our desires, our longing.

The woman's response was one we are supposed to follow, ask Him for the water, for the fulfillment of our desires. Not only will He fill our desires, but give us deeper ones for Him.

God commands us to love Him with all our heart (Luke 10:27)

We gain our life by putting down the things we think we desire, and turn to the real source of our true desires. (Matt 16:25)

We give up everything we hold dear, our earthly desires, to gain true treasure and joy, love, and passion in Christ (Matt 13:44-46)

We are called to turn away from everything other than the Lord.

Not only that but we are called to rejoice and be glad, to wept for the Lord. To have emotional responses in light of who He is.

This is why our hearts throb at the sight of a sunset, or a newborn baby, and the glorious creations of God. Mere reflections move us, so being in the presence and having a relationship with the Lord should move us all the more!

So we are called to stop turning to other things to try and satisfy us. Stop turning broken cisterns when the fountain of life is right there for you to partake in.

Stop drinking sand and go to the fountain of living water...and drink deeply.

I don't understand why I feel sad lately.
I am so blessed, I'm trying to realize that, yet I feel like crying so often.
"The hurt will go away, give it time" words I try to use to comfort myself but it doesn't do any good.
To add other things on top, school has been bothering me. I am disappointed in myself for not working harder, for not devoting more time to school, but I just can't seem to do it lately. And my grades are reflecting that. In a single test I knock my way out of being able to get an A in history, unless I get a 100 on all the rest of the quizzes and tests. I could have done better.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I acting and feeling this way?
Why do I feel like crying even as I type this?
Sure I seem ok enough, I can act a little...whats the point in making everyone else around me miserable. And its not like everything is bad all the time, it just seems to be whenever I hear certain songs, stop to think for a while, try to fall asleep with thoughts racing through my head. I look for distractions, it doesn't work.
I need to turn to God. The only one who can help.
I will search Your word oh Lord, my refuge and my strength. Help me Lord.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song". ~Psalms 28:7

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11

God help me to take that truth and move it from my head to my heart. I need to know Lord. My heart is stubborn. Melt it please. It hurts, please take it from me. Help me to give it to You.

"Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you." ~Psalms 25:20

I will hold to Your truth, Oh Lord my God:

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ~James 1:17

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ~Matthew 6:26-30

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ~Matthew 7:7

Lord, I love you, even with my pitiful love, and You say, "welcome my child".

I am not worthy to be in Your presence, and You say," come sit by My side".

I say I am ugly, sinful, unworthy, and You say to me, "My beautiful daughter, you are forgiven, come to me, I love you".
Thank You Lord.
Help me to love You.

I wouldn't change knowing you.

I've still been going through a lot of hurt lately, asking myself useless questions because its not as if you can change the past, but still the questions come.
Was it worth it?
Would I change anything?
Would it have been better never to have known you?

And I think I'm finally realizing answers to those questions, or at least some of them.

Was it worth it:
Yes. Although my heart is still torn, I would not change loving you. I also wouldn't have experienced the deep peace of Christ. God has definitely been carrying me these last few months, in the form of friends, family, His word-both read and spoken into my life. God is healing me, although it is taking a while, partly because of my stubbornness, He is healing my heart.

Are there some things I wish I could change? Yes, just as much for your sake as mine. I regret somethings because they were not good for either of us. And for that I am sorry. But I am not sorry for learning to love you, just sometimes the way I wrongly expressed it.

Would it have been better never to have known you:
NO. A solid no. I would not give up your friendship even if it meant the pain would never have been there. You meant and mean too much to me. I would not give up our memories, I cherish them. I loved seeing God grow in your life, I know you don't feel like it was all that much, but I saw Him change you from the inside out, and I see Him at work in your life. I love you, I wanted you in my life. I know things didn't work out the way we wanted, but I still don't want to give you up. Its what I was afraid of at the beginning, why I tried to push you away initially. But no, it would not have been better to never have known you. I'm glad I know you, and knew you, and that we were really good friends...though I'm not sure what we are anymore.

I'm sorry for having somehow pushed you away, or for some reason not being able to be in your life. I miss you, though I hope you never read this, since I know it would probably only hurt you. So here I am again venting into something I hope only a few (very few) if any ever read.

Just so you know, my first memory of you is us and another person laughing so hard that it hurt and we could no longer stand. I miss those kind of memories.
Take care, go with God, I love you.

Blessed

I am so blessed and yet I am also very blind to it most the time.
God has given me a huge family full of God-fearing, loving, caring, intelligent people.

Let me just start with my parents:
My mom- She is so patient with us. She loves us and cares for us. Even though it get really expensive she goes out of her way to buy healthy (organic if possible) food for us. She cooks huge meals and devotes her time to her kids well being. Rarely does she take a break for herself, she is constantly on the move for others. For as long as I can remember my dad and us kids where always put before her. But beyond all this, God is her number one. Yep God goes before my dad, He goes before my siblings, He goes before me. I am so thankful for this!
I know most people are thinking: what? Before her own kids and husband?
My answer is, umm yeah. My mom realizes that the One who gives her the strength to go on day after day, the One who taught her patience, the One who continually teaches her love, is the One to be put first, and she does so. Mom thank you for teaching me where true wise priorities should be, by constantly making God number one in your life.
Dad- Feeding 9 kids on a high school teacher salary is not an easy thing to do, but somehow this man manages to do it, as well as provide a secure and loving home. He is very wise and has great advice if you actually listen to it. I've found in my life whenever I've asked my dad for advice, and then not listened to it, it has always ended very badly for me. He does not "rule with an iron fist" but rather does everything out of love and tries to lead by example. Were we kids punished/are punished? Yes. If we disobey there are consequences. I've had my share of spankings/groundings/timeouts/things being taken away/etc. But I deserved it, and more importantly I learned the value of following rules. There are rules in life, some more important than others, and my dad, I believe, taught me the importance of obeying rules either set forth by God or by those in authority over me. My dad also has God as his number one. I can't remember the last time I've asked for advice that my dad's advice didn't include something about prayer or scripture or (most often) both. Dad turns to the Father in Heaven in order to be a good dad to his children.
Dad thank you so much for your love, advice, help, guidance, and punishments when necessary. You have helped me so much in life (you and mom both) and I'm just seeing the tip of the iceberg, thank you so much. Words cannot express my gratitude.

Now for my siblings:
Joel - Your desire to learn more is truly inspiring to me. I think your love of books rubbed off on me and I thank you for that immensely. Also thank you for showing me how trusting God was all aspects of your life truly is what we are called to do. Your willingness to follow God half-way across the globe is so great. Also your patience on God to bring you the right person to marry is very encouraging to me. Thank you.
Melissa (sil)- I could say the same thing about your willingness to follow God. It truly is a blessing to have two people in my family strongly follow after the Lord's will, even if it leads them to a desert...literally. Also, just for all your prayers and encouragement these last few months, just for being there whenever I have needed you, thank you for that. (Also to both of you, I've so very excited about my nephew!)

Elise- You have helped me throughout the years in so many ways I won't even attempt to name them all. Thank you for writing to a scared, lost, confused little girl, and helping her grow up (at least a little bit since then). All the time you put into me, and everyone else in the family, has not gone unnoticed. I know I don't say it enough, but thank you, so very much. You have shown me how to follow God, although I still mess up all the time you've shown me His grace, both through your life and through your words. I love how you talk about God and how He speaks to you, its very encouraging to me. Thank you for being there for me, to help lead me back to God every time I want to stray. Also thank you for Selah and Alexa, even on really hard days those two can bring a smile to my face so easily. They are beautiful just like there momma.
Jason (bil)- Thanks for all the laughs, sharing music, movies or just good conversations. I love all the fish tank stuff, its given me a better appreciation for the hard work that goes into mantaining something like that. Also your love for the Lord is very evident, thank you for letting me see the transformation of God in your life, and the hope it has given me for others who I desperately want to see the Love of God. Thank you.

Jeremy- You have helped me so much this last semester, I don't know how to thank you enough. Every time I wanted to give up you would open my eyes and say look at what you need to be concetrating on. Your encouragement was not soft or gental, but strong and I was not able to avoid it or ignore it, and I truly thank you for that. Also thank you for never making me feel like I wasn't good enough. In basketball you would be the one to pass it to me, tell me to shoot, encouarage me to reach higher. In college you have seemed to do the same, you tell me to get out there, be active, search for what God has for me. In places where I have truly felt out of place, the odd man out, you have shown me that I can belong, that I do have the ability to fit in and do good things....though I'm still working on that. But thank you for your encouragement.
Amanda(sil)- You are so beautiful and kind. I'm just amazed sometimes at your kindness, to just say or do the right thing in the moment it is most needed. I know you get that from God, and your love for Him is evident. You have also been there to encourage me, whenever I have asked. I'm really looking forward to seeing my neice in a few months, I'm so happy for both of you.

Michelle- Thank you. You have shown me in your life how to diliegently seek after the Lord. I love how whenever your life gets really busy instead of putting God to the side, you shove the other stuff out of the way to make sure you spend time with Him. I've seen time after time how you get stressed to the point of breaking, and then just give it all up to Him. I have seen Him lift the burndens off your shoulders time and time again as you are willing to hand them over to Him. Thank you so much for showing that to me. And also for all the times you have prayed with me or for me. I really apprieciate it more than words can say. Plus thanks for taking time out of your super business to show your little sister around a new frightening place. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you here to help guide me, I've felt so lost and frightened and constantly you take my hand and point my face heavenward and tell me to ask Him for help, and then you also demonstate His love by helping me. Thank you for being there for me.

Stephen- Little brother, you have truly taught me a lot of patience. I don't mean that to sound mean, and I am truly grateful for it. Thank you for always being willing to stand up for me. I know you liked to poke fun at me, but I also had the reassurance that if I ever was really threatened you would be there to protect me. Thank you for showing me that things really are worth standing up for, like in school whenever you would protest unwholesome books, it is encouraging to see someone younger than me truly stand up for what they believe.

Aleya- Your art, whether in the form of picture or poems, gives me a new appreciation for things in this life. The way you say things in your poems ressiates with my heart and I thank you for that. You can express my feelings in words without even knowing it and then you look back to God. You express your heart, and then say "Lord take it". That is so encouraging to me. God truly does shine out from you, you are a part of His beauty. Thank you for not only being my sister, but also being a really good friend. Thank you for all the laughs, the tears, stories, trips, moments, songs, etc, that we have shared together. You bring joy to the people around you, and I am so glad that God blessed me with the privlidge to be one of those people.

Shannon- girl you are amazing. You are so talented, but you don't even know you it. You are humble in the things you excel at. I love your diligent work to improve your abilities, whether that be at some art form or sports, its really encouraging to see that hard work really does pay off. Your willingness to help people is so great. I love you for it (as well as other things). You constantly put others before yourself in that way, you see someone in need and you help them out. I know you think your work at home goes unnoticed, but it doesn't always. Thank you for helping mom out with chores or food or helping Elise out with the little girls. You are a blessing, and I hope you know that.

Claire- You are growing so fast, I love to see the way you that you are already maturing. I think that it is awesome that even at a young age you are willing to give things up for what you believe in. I know that not watching Disney things is sometimes hard, but I really like that you see the importance of bigger issues. You love God and I'm looking forward to seeing the ways He works in your life. Keep sharing Him with your friends, its a blessing to see you unashamed of Him and all His glory. Don't change that. Thanks for being my little sister!

Selah- You are a joy. You are so beautiful and lively. I love seeing how God creates all these personalities and sticks them in us from a young age, you truly have a strong will. You make me smile even through difficult times. You are lovely.

Alexa- Beautiful baby. I love you and am glad that I have gotten to be in your life, even though I'm not around as much as I might like. Your little toothless smile and baby chuckles brighten a room. I am thankful for you.

God, thank you for all those you have put in my life, both friends and family. God I am so blessed that I can't even take time to write out all the people who have touch my life. Thank you so much for that Lord.

At a loss

I should be studying right now, but I can't seem to focus.
What is going on. I need to write a paper as well.
All this stuff is crashing down on me.

I am ecstatic one minute for a friend of mine who is finding his way to Christ.
Than the next I'm back down on the ground feeling crushed by these stupid feelings that won't go away.
God is answering my prayers in real tangible ways...
and then I am feeling all alone.
I don't get it. Those two things are opposites.
Why can't I trust Him, I know He is real and true and wants what is best for me. So why am I not trusting?
Why do these tears come so often. I want them to stop. I don't want to cry anymore about this.
I just don't know what to do.
I want to stop hurting, but not stop feeling. How?

I am so happy some days, so full of real joy.
and then a day like this? Nothing extraordinary sets it off, it just comes, it overwhelms.

What to do?
I don't know.

Heart of lies.

Heart of mine, why do you keep speaking lies into my life. Why do I not shut you up? How can I?
Please stop saying these things, I cannot bear them, you know my greatest weakness and continue to exploit it. Please give me a break. I will not listen to your lies. I turn from you. I turn my face to Truth.
Lord helps me listen to You over the commotion of my heart. It speaks to me in a language unclear and yet powerfully painful. Help me to hear and trust in Your simple truth. Your love and Peace, Grace and Mercy. Help me to listen to You Lord, turn my face, ears, and eyes to You.
I do not know the full source of this current pain, it keeps coming back in waves. This sea is drowning me...so I will stand on the firm rock of my Lord. He is my sustainer. He will help me stand.

Where do these tears come from? Why are they so persistent down my face?
Please replace my sorrow with laughter as You turn my ear to the truth. I am supposed to find joy even in suffering. Be that joy oh Lord, in my life.

Keep this pain at bay...no, Lord take this pain away....unless it is somehow for Your glory and then help me to rejoice in You always, at all times, in all things.
Help me Lord.

A list of Thanfulness

Every morning I'm going to try to think of five things that I am grateful for:
1. Blankets
2. Alarms
3. Bobby pins
4. Fan/white noise
5. My roommate (its her birthday, and she and I get along well...I've heard horror stories from other people, so i'm really thankful for her)
6. Beds
7. Clean water
8. Chocolate
9. Flowers
10. Not being late to class even when I wake up late.
11. Sleeping in on Saturdays
12. Inside jokes between friends.
13. A simple kind word
14. The funny things Selah says
15. Ice cream
16. Freedom to praise the Lord.
17. That my sister goes to the same college as me.
18. My older sister Elise! (today is her birthday)
19. Being able to open up to others without fear of being looked down on
20. Ability to walk.
21. Feeling safe
22. Peace
23. Long conversations with good friends
24. Mexican food
25. Jackets

26.Snow in texas
27. Grace and mercy
28. Time to relax
29. My niece Alexa, who is so fat and cute!
30. My sister Aleya and her beautiful poetry.
31. Gloves
32. Babies' Laughter
33. Backpacks
34. Laptops
35. warm socks
36. Sunshine
37. little acts of kindness that make a big difference
38. sweatpants
39. the feeling of springtime
40. Hope
41. Spoons (a frozen yogurt place that's really good)
42. Moments of joy through difficult times
43. That's its the Holy Spirit who draws people to Himself, and our job is just to follow Him
44. Bibles/the written word of God/that I am able to read it
45. Two hands, with all 10 fingers.
46. Sleepovers with my little sister
47. Brownies late at night
48. Watching movies with friends
49. Afternoon naps
50. Durable shoes.
51. Church
52. Love
53. God speaking to a really close friend of mine.
54. God's faithfulness
55. Electricity
56. God's never ending love for His children
57. Naps in general
58. Not needing glasses
59. ability to read and write
60. Worships songs
61.The internet
62. notebooks/paper
63. Letters from my sister
64. Ipods/music
65. Hearts
66. People bringing you orange juice when you are sick
67. Prayers
68. Hot showers
69. Childhood memories
70. Good friends who last.
71. Beautiful weather
72. Vitamin C
73. People who sing loudly just because they are having fun
74. Crackers and soup
75. Being able to hold tight to the ones I love.
76. A full night of sleep
77. Washers and Dryers
78. Puppies
79. Megan! and her willingness to help me be more thankful =)
80. That there is only 1 week until spring break.
81. Ultimate Frisbee with friends
82. Aleo vera
83. double stuffed oreos
84. random conversations
85. goofy friends
86. Breakfast
87. Little Rascals
88. That the Bible is reliable and one of God's ways of speaking to us
89. Friends who come to visit
90. The ability to love
91. Air, the ability to breathe without a machine
92. Time, that it is all in God's hands
93. Pajama pants
94. Hope and Assurance in the Lord.
95. C.S. Lewis
96. My mom
97. That my phone can withstand being dropped numerous times
98. That my sister has a car/way to get to the store when I'm out of food
99. Forgiveness
100. Pictures
101. Encouragement from friends and family
102. Being able to be there for people because God has been there for me
103. Headphones to block out unnecessary noise
104. Bread
105. being sent random pictures of my nieces.
106. That I have a niece and a nephew on the way.
107. Long conversations with really good friends
108. Seeing God works in the lives around me
109. Knowing there is a future for me, even though I have no idea what it is
110. Energy when there is no reasonable explanation why I should still have some. =)
111. Eating Gummy bears with friends
112. My friend Victor
113. Having a bible study group with girls who actually care
114. Scissors
115. That spring break has officially begun.
116. Relaxation
117. Beautiful Beaches
118. Dinoflagellate
119. Clear Water
120. Being out of the car after 10 hours car rides.
121. Time to relax without interruption
122. Sleeping in/catching up on sleep
123. Being with family
124. Singing loudly random songs that pop in your head with good friends
125. Bible studies and learning what God is doing in other's lives.
126. Cars
127. Talking with my older brothers
128. My grandma
129. Alexa sucking on her bottom lip...its so funny looking
130. Hope, I can't seem to do without it even if I don't always feel it.
131.Wind and sunshine
132.colorful umbrellas
133.that my ipod is working again
134. the dimple on alexa's face when she smiles really big
135. that we are never alone.
136. PB&J with milk
137. Chapstick
138. Notebooks/journals
139. Breakaway
140. My sister Shannon
141. Each day starts new
142. Good Raw Milk
143. That my ipod started working again
144. Next year I get to live in a dorm with a kitchen
145. That my Global Social Trends class is canceled tomorrow.
146. Good books
147. My colorful umbrella
148. Long-sleeved shirts
149. Cashews and crackers
150. My best friend, and developing other friendships.
151. My two sisters in law, Amanda and Melissa
152. Running/exercising
153. Anne
154. Isis
155. Belts
156. Playing sports with friends
157. Weekends
158.My cousin Carli
159. That God never gives up on us.
160. Flip Flops.

161. A ride to church
162. Great nice warm weather
163. Playing capture the flag with friends
164. My home church, Alliance Bible.
165. Grace Bible church.
166.The Lifehouse "everything" skit
167. That my sister is an RA, and therefore has access to a kitchen
168. The Psalms.
169. Tomato soup
170. Things to look forward too.
171. Seeing God speak into people's lives
172. His strength when I have none
173. A ting of hope while feeling hopeless
174. Friends who stick by you
175. Grass, trees, flowers and clouds.
176. Being able to worship God without being afraid for my life
177. the feeling after being done with a test.
178. Food, in general
179. My mom's willingness to help
180. Reminders of the important things in life.
181. Plates
182. Refrigerators
183. Pineapple
184. Strawberries
185. Toothpaste
186. 3 day weekends
187. My mom and dad
188. Alexa's smile
189. Selah's sayings
190. Aleya's dreams
191. Family
192. Basketball games
193. random conversations
194. bananas/potassium
195. Blogs/a place to think out loud.
196. Easter- reminder of what He did for us
197. Family
198. good food
199. a clean house
200. giggling.
201. Being able to pray and ask God for help at any moment of the day
202. A light breeze on a warm day
203. Earrings
204. My aTm necklace that I got for my birthday
205. Having so many things to be thankful for.
206. Getting out of tests early
207. People being willing to proofread my papers
208. Athletic shorts
209. the goofy things my family does
210. Cheddar cheese.
211.A place to go home to
212. People who love me
213. Playing sand volleyball-( it hurts less than diving on a court)
214. That I don't have to live in constant fear (our Country is very safe compared to most)
215. Strawberries

216. Tennis shoes
217. Socks
218. My oldest brother Joel
219. oranges
220. Phone Chargers.
221. Sunshine
222. Big white fluffy clouds
223. the people who work to keep the A&M campus so pretty
224. Varnadore
225. The location of the Earth in regards to the sun.
226. Shade
227. The sun
228. Tomato Soup
229. Playing Basketball with guys who actually pass you the ball
230. tweezers.
231. The song "On Christ the Solid Rock I stand"
232. Worship songs in general
233. Candy on sale
234. Hanging out with friends
235. Making homemade pizza.
236. Shannon's patience while working on her drawings
237. Being down with my tests for today
238. That the end of the school year is near, I think only about 30 days left
239. People who point me back to God
240. Earrings
241. Michelle's willingness to help me with schoolwork
242. Calculators
243. Apples
244. BBQ sauce
245. Parents who are always there for me
246. Chicken
247. getting out of class early
248. rides to get books I need for class
249. a semi-clean room (as clean as I can get in the the space that I have, haha)
250. Conditioner
251. Breakaway ministries
252. That I haven't had to go through physical endangerment that a lot of people in other counties face.
253. My mom and her comforting words
254. Breathing
255. Green and blue
256. Weekends
257. Friends in general
258. Family
259. Jane Austin
260. Mirrors
261. Sound of rain
262. Birds chirping
263. Amanda's baby shower
264. Talks with the girls in my family
265. swings
266. Throat drops
267. older brothers
268. Alexa's chubbiness
269. water bottles
270. only 3 more weeks of classes.
271. Turkey Sandwiches
272. My mom always being there for me
273. "Naked" juice drinks (they are really good)
274. Sunshine!
275. Extra sleep, and getting well.
276. Pencils
277. That I do not have a chronic or serious illness (That I am healthy)
278. Songs of praise
279. My rag doll that my grandmother made me when I was little
280. Soap
281. My white flats
282. patched jeans
283. that my phone still works, even though its partly broken
284. Pizza
285. Pineapple
286. Random sayings of little kids
287. People in my class group who are actually willing to work on the project.
288. That my mom can fix almost anything
289. That my dad is good at math and can (possibly) help me over the summer with my classes, haha
290. Sharpies
291. Sleeping late
292.Salads
293. Cherry Tomatoes
294. That its getting warm outside!
295. Being able to communicate with people quick and easily (either via facebook, cellphone, etc)
296. Boxes/containers
297. Cutlery
298. Concealer
299. A ride home at the end of the school year
300. Pandora radio.
301. Scissors
302. Rulers
303. Planners
304. Spanish Dictionaries
305. Beautiful weather.
306. Pancakes
307. Hanging out with michelle
308. Burritos
309. Avocados
310.That I got out of English class early today. =)
311. Stephen
312. Only a week left of regular classes
313. Lotion
314. Sunglasses
315. piggy banks.
316.That Eva Grace is on her way
317. My sister keeps me updated
318. My brother Jeremy
319. Email
320. pass/fail classes
321. My SIL (sister in law) Amanda, and that you got through the labor ok.
322. God's protection
323. Baby Eva Grace!
324. Jeremy being a proud new dad.
325. My parents, especially my mom giving life to me. =) (and well God of course for that too)
326. raisins
327. stud earrings
328.sticky notes
329. one of my classes being canceled next tuesday.
330. A place to go home to.
331. Almost a week to study for finals
332. Review sheets
333. computers and printers
334. that I don't live during ww2 ww1 or the cold war.
335. Skirts (and that I'm a girl and can therefor wear them without getting weird looks, haha)
336. That my team project is going well
337. Limes
338. Dental floss
339. God's forgiveness
340. Song's of praise and worship. Specifically the song "In the Secret"
341. Open washers and dryers (not having to wait)
342. getting a whole night of sleep
343. that I only have one regular class left in the semester
344. Getting to go see my niece today
345. Towels and rags.
346. Being home for a few days
347. Beautiful trees
348. Eva Grace, and how funny it is that she looks almost exactly like Jeremy's baby pictures
349. A place to write out my thoughts
350. A tiny bit of time to relax a bit before finals
351. My mom's help
352. Time to study
353. only for tests/finals to go until I am done with my freshman year
354. Hope for this summer
355. Pictures of my nieces.
356. Two finals down, and just two to go
357. Studying with my sister.
358. The feeling of packing up to go home
359. Throwing away old notes
360. Fun times laughing with friends.
361. That I only have one more final until I am done with my freshman year
362. Friends who can drive me home
363. Naps after 8 am finals
364. Waking up and immediately thinking of a worship song instead of what I have to do that day
365. Jackets in the summer...for when you walk into buildings that are set to what feels like 50 or 60 degrees.
366. Being done with finals!
367. that my last final took only 18 minutes
368. being almost completely packed
369. Getting to go home to see my family
370. God's love and it being manifested through family and friends.
371. Love
372. Hope in the face of some difficult times
373. Being with family
374. Sleep, after a few sleepless nights
375. Trees, and the shade they provide.
376. Being able to go to Michelle's graduation
377. Alexa's laugh!
378. My grandma and grandmary
379. Naps, after not being able to sleep in the car
380. Homemade meals.
381. Thunderstorms
382. Trucks
383. Being around old friends again!
384. Getting to go back my home church
385. Selah's artistic creations.
386. My home church/Pastor Black
387. Mrs Black
388. My best friend
389. Elise and all her advice
390. Shopping/running errands with my mom.
391. Life
392. Playing games with Selah
393. the way alexa sucks on her bottom lip
394. Homemade chili
395. Homemade cornbread with either molasses or maple syrup
396. Helpful people (meaning people who just want to help in anyway they can)
397. Central Market
398. Being able to help
399. Pillows!
400. phone and laptop chargers
401. good talks with the best friend
402. Sitting outside with my niece, alexa
403. Swimming late at night.
404. hot tubes after swimming in chilly water
405. God is always with us, even when we can't feel or hear Him
406. Baking
407. The sounds of being home (its so different than in a dorm room)
408. Playing with blocks with Selah
409. That I grew up in a christian family
410. Warmth
411. Jason's salt water fish tanks
412. Being able to sleep at night
413. God healing places in my heart
414. the Verse Jeremiah 29:11, and Psalms 118
415. Duct Tape
416. Bridal shower for my cousin
417. nice cameras
418. celebration of graduations
419. sunflowers
420. alexa learning to stand on her own. =)
421. My best friend
422. Alexa crawling funny in the grass because she doesn't like the way the grass feels
423. Finally getting everything registered and done for the summer classes
424. Windows
425. Coffee
426. Having a big family
427. Banana bread
428. Good raw milk
429. Paul's example for us in the Bible
430.Alexa in her pink hat!
431. Freedom
432. Water Bottles
433. The crisis pregnancy center
434. Babies
435. Fly swatters.
436.Days of rest and focus
437. My niece learning to read
438. That my other nieces fever broke
439. Sun and shade at the same time
440. Friend's graduations.
441. Light showers
442. Clouds
443. Beautiful sunsets
444. Jasmine
445. the smell of Vanilla.
446. not getting sunburned
447. Children's joy about small things
448. Peace that only God can give
449. Babies falling asleep on you
450. Organic pizza that my mom bought.
451. Spending time with My brother and sister in law
452. Spending time with Elise, mi hermana
453. Babies...the movie
454. That I live in America, even with all its faults
455. Parks.
456. bird's singing/chirping
457. Alexa standing by herself
458. Easy access to fresh clean water
459. The very weird things Selah says and does, they make me smile.
460.baby talk.
461. Spending time with my mom
462. Elise reading stories to Selah
463. Long Long naps for no reason
464. Sense and Sensibility
465. How green everything is right now.