Away from the abscene of light

What is it about the dark that scares me?
It is not the darkness itself, but rather what is in the dark...or rather what is not in the dark.

Dark is the absence of light.

I need light, I desire light.

Sunlight is what allows plants to grow, without it they die. Light allows us to see colors. Light allows us to see. Light shows us the way out of the dark.

I need light to be in me. I do not merely mean physical light. But light that comes from the ultimate source, not the sun, but the Son.
Jesus calls Himself the light. He directs our paths to those of righteousness.
Christ has drawn us our of the darkness to Himself. In Him is salvation, the forgiveness of sins.
We are called to be lights of the world. To shine bright for God's glory. To shine lights into the darkness of others. We can't do that while remaining in the dark.
We often like to stay in the dark, sitting there watching so bright flashy distraction, which we can see better in the dark. It looks appealing when we are in the dark, no one can see us. They don't know what we are doing while we are all in the dark. We would rather be distracted by the "flashy" things are this world that will pass away, than step into the everlasting light. The bright glorious light that outshines any form of amusement we try to distract ourselves with.
When we step into the light we can see what was happening in the dark, which will make us desire to stay in the light. I am more easily tempted to do wrong in the dark, actual dark, than I am in the light. The dark hides the ugly for a time, but it is still there. The light displays the ugly for what it is, so that we can change it, give it to God, be renewed, and see the beauty around us. In the dark you can't see. You are blind, except for the distractions satan wants you to see. In the light, by God's grace, you can see. Your eyes are open, not only to the destruction, hurt, ugliness that takes place in the dark, but to the true beauty of what God has made, has in store for us, to renewal, glory, wonder. Everything will be brought to light in the end. The longer we stay in the dark, the longer we ignore the light, the harsher it will be when we are brought out.
As God is graciously pulling me out of the dark, I don't want to go back. He reaches for us in the dark, pulls us out. Being in the light is hard, for a time. It hurts my eyes to adjust. To really see that what I was doing in the dark was not only wrong, but excruciatingly painful to my Lord, to the point of causing His death.
In dark is death. In light is light.
Christ is light.

Dear Lord, help me to live and walk in the light. Help me to stay way from the dark, from death, destruction, sin. I need Your help to stay in the light, You are the light. Help me stay near to You.
With love, to Love. Amen



Psalm 36:9
"For with You is the fountain of life: In Your light we see light."

Proverbs 4:18
"But the path of the just is like the shinning sun, that shines ever brighter unto the perfect day."

Isaiah 9:2
"The people who sat in darkness have seen a great light, and upon those who sat in the region and shadow of death Light has dawned"

Matthew 5:14-15
"You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.

Matthew 10:27
"Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light;"

Mark 4:22
"For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light"

John 1:4-5
"In him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it."

John 3:19-21
"And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world and men loved darkness rather than light because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God"

John 8:12
"I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life."

John 9:39, 41
"For judgment I have come into this world, that those who do not see may see, and that those who see may be made blind... If you were blind you would have no sin; but now you say 'we see'. Therefore your sin remains"

John 12: 35-36
"Then Jesus said to them 'A little while longer the light is with you. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you; he who walks in darkness does not know where he is going. While you have the light, believe in the light, that you may become sons of light"

John 14:6
"Jesus said to him 'I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."

John 14:15
"The Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither see Him nor knows Him; but you know Him for He dwells with you and will be in you."


Romans 1:20-21
"For since the beginning of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the thing that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, because although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as Gog, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened."

Ephesians 5:8-14
" For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. But all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light, for whatever makes manifest is light.Therefore He says “Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light.”


Colossians 1:13-14
"He has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins"

Hebrews 4:13
"An there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account"

1 John 1:5
"This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light an din Him is no darkness at all."



Interesting fact I learned: our eyes naturally respond faster when moving from darkness into the light than the other way around.
Hmmm.
"The eye takes approximately 20–30 minutes to fully adapt from bright sunlight to complete darkness and become ten thousand to one million times more sensitive than at full daylight. In this process, the eye's perception of color changes as well. However, it takes approximately five minutes for the eye to adapt to bright sunlight from darkness. This is due to cones obtaining more sensitivity when first entering the dark for the first five minutes but the rods take over after five or more minutes"

Hopeless Case- Varnadore

So, I recognize you're amazing
I've known it since the day we met
Oh beautiful, you are my darling
But lately you can't stand yourself

Cause you've been hurt by the world
It's such a painful place to be
Oh but I still see beauty
So darling, don't you fear
I know you're not a hopeless case
And you were meant for more
This is a temporary stay
Don't believe you've gone to far
I'll love you just the same
So please don't run away

So, you're feeling pretty lonely
You are not who you thought you'd be
Well everybody needs forgiveness
Even sometimes from themselves

When you're hurt by the world
Such a painful place to be
Oh but I still see beauty
So darling, don't you fear
I know you're not a hopeless case
And you were meant for more
This is a temporary stay
And don't believe you've gone to far
I'll love you just the same
So please don't run away

You've been scared to face yourself at night
Telling everyone that you're just fine
Tell me what's the use in life if you can't be free

So darling, don't you fear
I know you're not a hopeless case
And you were meant for more
This is a temporary stay
And don't believe you've gone to far
I'll love you just the same
So please don't run away

I'm addicted to...

.. easy/quick fixes.

Examples:
instead of making a sandwich, or rather actually going upstairs and really cooking something, I will instead heat up a thing of soup and eat it with crackers.

I feel alone, so instead of praying and reading my bible, searching for Him...I text someone, get on facebook, etc.

I get tired, so I try to take a quick nap (which usually lasts way long than intended) instead of pushing through and going to sleep earlier at night.


Anyone have suggestions for me about how to specifically overcome this addiction? Verses I can memorize, reminders I can put up?

If you do, it'd be greatly appreciated.

Lord, help me to seek out what is truly good, not what is simply easy.
Through You I can do all things, help this to be true in my life.
with love, to Love. Amen

With and without

I'm so..
tired of being tired.
Restless of restlessness.
Confused about confusion.
Sick of sickness.
Sad because of sadness.
frustrated with frustration
pained by pain.
heavy with heaviness.
emptied by emptiness.
drained of draining.
angry with anger.
Sinfully sinful
arrogantly arrogant
hungry for hunger.
thirsty for thirst.
desiring desire.
longing longing.
hopelessly hopeless.
Broken brokenness

You are...
Living life
Patiently patient
Peacefully peace
truthfully truth
wonderfully wonderful
joyfully joyous
calmly calm
lovingly loving
awesomely awesome
full of fullness
justly justice
purely pure
humbly humble
kindly kind
creatively creative
faithfully faithful
hopefully hopeful
perfectly perfect


You heal...
My tiredness with Your peace
My restlessness with Your patience
My confusion with Your truth
My sickness with Your wonder
My sadness with Your joy
My frustration with Your calm
My pain with Your love
My heaviness with Your awe
My emptiness with Your fullness
My anger with Your justice
My sin with Your purity
My arrogance with Your humility
My hunger with Your kindness
My thirst with Your creativity
My longing with Your faithfulness
My hopelessness with Your hope
My brokenness with Your perfection

I am
nothing without You.
Everything with You.
Lost without You.
Found with You.
Alone without You.
Belonging with You.
Scared without You.
Secure with You.
Longing without You.
Satisfied with You.
Empty without You.
Full with You.
Hate without You.
Love with You.



Lord, I realize my need for You. My desires and my wants of more You. Help me to change anytime I use "I""me" or any other pronoun pertaining to myself, and changed it to You. Until all that is left is more and more of You, and less of me. You are what matters, what is important, what is good, right, faithful, true. Make that clear Lord. More of You.
With love, to Love. Amen

It no longer feels like alone...

So often I have viewed the words "alone" and "single" as synonyms. But that is by far not the case. And although I have told myself time and time again that there is a difference between the two things, in the back of my mind I think I still saw them the same.

But, by God's grace, I no longer do.
Struggling over the last winter break (trying to understand what I needed to do, where the guilt was coming from, realizing what I needed to do and trying to figure out how to do it) I was confused. I kept putting the blame on something else, and really believing that was the cause. When really what God was telling me is "you are not ready for this. First be satisfied in Me"

Although I have heard this many many many many times before, I didn't understand what it meant. To be honest I know I still don't completely grasp it. But I do know that when I had that conversation (as hard as it was, as long as it was) when I walked away, although I was sorry for the pain that I had caused by beginning such a thing, I felt lighter. Free almost. God gave me a sense of peace.

For the first time in a while, I wanted to read my bible, to pray.
I hadn't even realized how hard that had become for me until it no longer was.

Last night at breakaway there were two songs that stuck out to me. God's grace in reminders. God's love through our realization of Him and His power, love, mercy, justice.

The first song was "You alone can rescue" by Matt Redman

And the lines get repeated some, so this was probably about the 3rd or 4th time I was singing these lyrics when it just hit me:

"You alone can rescue, You alone can save "

As dumb as it may sound, this had been one of my biggest fears with having that conversation...that it would drive him away from God.
But God just told me, "its not your job to save or rescue, its Mine. And I can do it no matter what you have done".
God just allowed His peace to rest on me. He gave me the ability to lay down my burden at His feet. His grace is enough, its always enough.

The second song was: "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher
"Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
But fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love"

Just His constant reminder to return to Him.
Just joy in His love.
He has given me peace and joy.
Its hard to explain. But those who understand know that already. Yet it is so great.

I do know that got has great things for me now. I have NO CLUE what they are. But I know that I need to do it just Him and me. And I am happy about that.
Its no longer alone to be single, not in the least. Its to learn to be closer to my True Love, to my Savior, to learn to be satisfied in Him and Him alone.

Lord, thank you for changing my mind, and my heart. For taking away earthly longing that I hadn't even realized my directing my actions. Help me to hold to this realization that You are all I need. I find joy and peace in You. And when I am in turmoil Lord, help me to realize You are the only thing solid . You are more than enough. Help me to search out what You desire for me, here and now. I love You Lord. Help me to grow in that love.
With love, to Love. Amen.

I am tired of stumbling

I feel like I continually fall below the standards I hold for myself.
I am not running the race well, I can barely walk it.
It is not that the ground is too full of rocks, but rather that I have tried to step on the needles and lava, the deathly things that lie outside the path so long that I have maimed my feet.
They no longer know how to walk.
They are scarred, broken, bleeding.

So again I turn to You, the giver of all grace. To heal my brokenness, as only You can do.
To fix what I have messed up.
To clean the spots away, that I may run the race in a way in which reflects a desire for the prize.
You are good and faithful.
You are righteous and true
In You is justice, yet mercy.
In You in the way of life.

So Lord, I ask of You again, please grab my hand and teach me how to walk, and then run, the path You have set before me.
Teach these stumbling legs the sturdiness of Your strength.
Allow these searching and hurting feet to find the firm way beneath them.

Lord, ever so faithful. I thank You.
You have pulled me from the fire, bandaged my wounds
and led me back to the track, pointed me in the right direction, and then held out Your hand to teach me to walk, that I might one day be able to run the race for You. For Your glory.
You are wonderful and I undeserving
You are merciful, gracious and I gladly receive the gifts of Your hand and Your majesty.

Lord, thank You
with love, to LOVE. Amen.

When I crumble

Why is it that every time I see you, I crumble.
It doesn't matter how long I have been preparing myself, how far in advance I know, how many prep talks I give my heart/emotions, I still crumble.

Am I a sand castle built on the rock?
I know that the root of my foundation will not be moved. Christ is my rock, and He is consistent, He is faithful.

It is true I do not weep for as long. Nor does the longing and thoughts persist as harshly and predominately as before. Yet they return, with power they return, though I hope and think that power is slowly weakening.

Yet you, with all the memories attached, return to me.
But, would I rather never see your face? Have you disappear without a trace?
Would I rather run away and never have to face the day in which you would return.
Do I not want to give you that hug, the one we used to share so readily that now must be received with hesitation and confusion?

No, my answer is still the same.
Regardless of the pain
I want to see your face again, I want to talk about your plans
I want to know what is in your life, I want to make it through this strife.

I think that in the end we'll see, that God really has a plan for you and me.

We might not be together,we might have to part.

But trust me when I tell you,
You were my first love.
And always will be.

I cannot change this fact,
no matter how much the desire or lack thereof.

But I know this, I will thank the God above
He has taught me what is love
He will teach me how to wait
how to find the right way
which I pray
I will be able to see

In the end
God knows the plan
everything in my life
is in His hand.

What comfort this thought
through all the hard times
to know that God
has me on His mind.

I thank you Lord,
for Your faithfulness
and know that in You
lies eternal bliss.

I run to You
for You are truth

May I get lost in Your wondrous grace
for my true desire is to see Your face.

Teach me what I need to know
For my heart still aches for the past I cannot change
Yet I desire to embrace the future You have for me
Oh dear Lord, please hear my plea.


God, I need You. OH so much more than I even know, or can express. Yet You know my heart, my needs, everything.
Heal me Lord, from the inside out.
With love, to Love
Amen