Summer has begun and it has begun well. Although I was very apprehensive about how this summer was going to go, God had already started giving me peace about it. But surprisingly in very unusual ways.
The Friday that Finals started, my first on beginning at 3 in the afternoon, I discovered that I could not take the summer math class I had planned on taking. In addition to that I found out that my AP Stats credit did not count for math. Meaning I would now have to take at least 3 hours of math classes at A&M, but probably more. This was hard to think about since I am not a fan of math, and am not good at calculus. But God used that as an opportunity to really understand the verse "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34). I had just posted that on my facebook earlier in the morning. God was showing me how I was not following Him in that moment, by worrying about the summer I was not trusting what God has in store for me. God used that verse and my father to show me that I was being hypocritical in saying I was trying to trust God while worrying about school. And after seeing that I was not trusting God, I looked on my wall and saw the note a friend had wrote me earlier in the semester "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you" (Jeremiah 29:11). (by the way, thank you again for that note, it has helped a lot). Almost immediately I felt relieved, and stopped worrying so much about what I could not change anyways. The Lord is so very gracious.
Then I found out that my mom had talked to a friend of mine, but didn't think it was a good idea to tall me what was said between them. That was hard to hear because I am a very curious person. But the Lord just gave me peace and let me know that He loved me. I needed to be loved, and I felt loved. The Lord is merciful and He tells us what we need to know about Him. He wants me to be curious about Him and desire to learn more and more about Him and His will for my life.
Then I arrived home I was greeted warmly by my family, and some friends. But was confused at how to act towards one other.
But as the summer has gone on, things have begun to take a turn for the better.
I might not be taking Biology or math this summer, though I might get some other classes in, which will still be good.
And I have gotten to hang out with my best friend quite a bit already. An unexpected blessing that I am extremely thankful for.
I will need to continue to pray, and be more diligent in keeping God has my focus since I won't have as much structured church time (as I did during the semester).
Lord, You are my life and my love. Help me to stay focused on You.
I want to dwell on Your greatness, Your mercy, what You have done for me.
Keep my focused on Your plan, and not let my selfish desires get in the way.
Thank You for Your grace, and all Your blessings. And my great friends.
I love You Lord.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
From the East to the West.
It is almost 4 in the morning and I have class starting at 9. Yet here I am unable to sleep. And why is that, someone may ask?
This is why, when I lay down thoughts of all my lowest moments come flooding in. My biggest regrets. Things I wish I could take back. Things I hate about myself, that I did to myself and to others. Things that make me sick to look at myself in a mirror or go to class, be among other people, talk to anyone. I feel like filth, slime, garbage, the scum of the earth. I quite literally hate those parts of myself. My past...my current thoughts....my fear of the future.
I try and force myself to think of Truth. I mean I know those things really are true of me. and that really hurts. But I try to think of what God says of me, but that is much harder. Why is it so much harder?
I know He cares for me, is seeking me out:
"What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish." --Matthew 18:12-14 ESV
He loves me:
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". - John 3:16
Romans 5:8. But God shows and clearly proves His love for us by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
"We love because he first loved us."
1 John 4:19 New International Version
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
John 15:13 New International Version
He has forgiven me:
(God is love and...)
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear ...
This is why, when I lay down thoughts of all my lowest moments come flooding in. My biggest regrets. Things I wish I could take back. Things I hate about myself, that I did to myself and to others. Things that make me sick to look at myself in a mirror or go to class, be among other people, talk to anyone. I feel like filth, slime, garbage, the scum of the earth. I quite literally hate those parts of myself. My past...my current thoughts....my fear of the future.
I try and force myself to think of Truth. I mean I know those things really are true of me. and that really hurts. But I try to think of what God says of me, but that is much harder. Why is it so much harder?
I know He cares for me, is seeking me out:
"What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go in search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray. So it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish." --Matthew 18:12-14 ESV
He loves me:
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". - John 3:16
Romans 5:8. But God shows and clearly proves His love for us by the fact that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
"We love because he first loved us."
1 John 4:19 New International Version
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
John 15:13 New International Version
He has forgiven me:
(God is love and...)
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear ...
-- 1 John 4:18
"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:16 New International Version
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9 New International Version
Lord, help me to hold onto Your truth. Not anything else, but Your truth, Your love, Your Grace, Your forgiveness. Help me to cling to You, Lord.
It is the cry of my heart to follow You
It is the cry of my heart
To follow You
It is the cry of my heart
To be close to You
It is the cry of my heart
To follow
All of the days of my life
Teach me Your holy ways, O Lord
So I can walk in Your truth
Teach me Your holy ways, O Lord
And make me wholly devoted to You
Open my eyes to I can see
The wonderful things that You do
Open my heart up more and more
And make it wholly devoted to You
In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there.
In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait,
Only for You,'cause I want to know You more;
I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more.
I am reaching for the highest goal,
then I might receive the prize.
Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside,
Out of my way, 'cause I want to know you more
I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more....
Lord, I need to know You more.
"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
Hebrews 4:16 New International Version
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."
1 John 1:9 New International Version
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,"
Romans 8:1 New International Version
"Come now, let us reason together,"
says the LORD.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.""
Isaiah 1:18 New International Version
"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace."
Ephesians 1:7 New International Version
"As far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us."
Psalm 103:12 New International Version
Lord, help me to hold onto Your truth. Not anything else, but Your truth, Your love, Your Grace, Your forgiveness. Help me to cling to You, Lord.
It is the cry of my heart to follow You
It is the cry of my heart
To follow You
It is the cry of my heart
To be close to You
It is the cry of my heart
To follow
All of the days of my life
Teach me Your holy ways, O Lord
So I can walk in Your truth
Teach me Your holy ways, O Lord
And make me wholly devoted to You
Open my eyes to I can see
The wonderful things that You do
Open my heart up more and more
And make it wholly devoted to You
In the secret, in the quiet place
In the stillness You are there.
In the secret, in the quiet hour I wait,
Only for You,'cause I want to know You more;
I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more.
I am reaching for the highest goal,
then I might receive the prize.
Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside,
Out of my way, 'cause I want to know you more
I want to know You,
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more.
I want to touch You,
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more....
Lord, I need to know You more.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Stop Drinking Sand.
Tonight at Breakaway Ben Stuart was talking about the role that emotions play in being a Christian and he asked two very important questions: 1 Where do you go to try and fill your desires? 2 What do you do with your desires?
Before I get to the answers there were some very interesting quotes that he shared:
"Sin can be defined as fulfilling a legitimate desire in an illegitimate way or at an illegitimate time" --Oswald Chambers
"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
— C.S. Lewis
"Christian duty is to aim your desires at God" --John Piper (modified)
Often are desires are misplaces, and just as often they are too weak. Its kind of ironic to think about, because we constantly feel like we can't control out emotions and desires and think that is a bad thing....and it is if our desires are not directed at God.
So what do we do?
How are we supposed to respond to our weak and misplaced desires?
I think the story about the lady at the well is clear:
John 4:7-15
Before I get to the answers there were some very interesting quotes that he shared:
"Sin can be defined as fulfilling a legitimate desire in an illegitimate way or at an illegitimate time" --Oswald Chambers
"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
— C.S. Lewis
"Christian duty is to aim your desires at God" --John Piper (modified)
Often are desires are misplaces, and just as often they are too weak. Its kind of ironic to think about, because we constantly feel like we can't control out emotions and desires and think that is a bad thing....and it is if our desires are not directed at God.
So what do we do?
How are we supposed to respond to our weak and misplaced desires?
I think the story about the lady at the well is clear:
John 4:7-15
7 A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, “Give Me a drink.” 8 For His disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.
9 Then the woman of Samaria said to Him, “How is it that You, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?” For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.
10 Jesus answered and said to her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water.”
11 The woman said to Him, “Sir, You have nothing to draw with, and the well is deep. Where then do You get that living water? 12 Are You greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well, and drank from it himself, as well as his sons and his livestock?”
13 Jesus answered and said to her, “Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.”
15 The woman said to Him, “Sir, give me this water, that I may not thirst, nor come here to draw.”
We are called to turn to God to meet our desires. He is the living water, the only thing that can satisfy our thirst, our desires, our longing.
The woman's response was one we are supposed to follow, ask Him for the water, for the fulfillment of our desires. Not only will He fill our desires, but give us deeper ones for Him.
God commands us to love Him with all our heart (Luke 10:27)
We gain our life by putting down the things we think we desire, and turn to the real source of our true desires. (Matt 16:25)
We give up everything we hold dear, our earthly desires, to gain true treasure and joy, love, and passion in Christ (Matt 13:44-46)
We are called to turn away from everything other than the Lord.
Not only that but we are called to rejoice and be glad, to wept for the Lord. To have emotional responses in light of who He is.
This is why our hearts throb at the sight of a sunset, or a newborn baby, and the glorious creations of God. Mere reflections move us, so being in the presence and having a relationship with the Lord should move us all the more!
So we are called to stop turning to other things to try and satisfy us. Stop turning broken cisterns when the fountain of life is right there for you to partake in.
Stop drinking sand and go to the fountain of living water...and drink deeply.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I don't understand why I feel sad lately.
I am so blessed, I'm trying to realize that, yet I feel like crying so often.
"The hurt will go away, give it time" words I try to use to comfort myself but it doesn't do any good.
To add other things on top, school has been bothering me. I am disappointed in myself for not working harder, for not devoting more time to school, but I just can't seem to do it lately. And my grades are reflecting that. In a single test I knock my way out of being able to get an A in history, unless I get a 100 on all the rest of the quizzes and tests. I could have done better.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I acting and feeling this way?
Why do I feel like crying even as I type this?
Sure I seem ok enough, I can act a little...whats the point in making everyone else around me miserable. And its not like everything is bad all the time, it just seems to be whenever I hear certain songs, stop to think for a while, try to fall asleep with thoughts racing through my head. I look for distractions, it doesn't work.
I need to turn to God. The only one who can help.
I will search Your word oh Lord, my refuge and my strength. Help me Lord.
I am so blessed, I'm trying to realize that, yet I feel like crying so often.
"The hurt will go away, give it time" words I try to use to comfort myself but it doesn't do any good.
To add other things on top, school has been bothering me. I am disappointed in myself for not working harder, for not devoting more time to school, but I just can't seem to do it lately. And my grades are reflecting that. In a single test I knock my way out of being able to get an A in history, unless I get a 100 on all the rest of the quizzes and tests. I could have done better.
What is wrong with me?
Why am I acting and feeling this way?
Why do I feel like crying even as I type this?
Sure I seem ok enough, I can act a little...whats the point in making everyone else around me miserable. And its not like everything is bad all the time, it just seems to be whenever I hear certain songs, stop to think for a while, try to fall asleep with thoughts racing through my head. I look for distractions, it doesn't work.
I need to turn to God. The only one who can help.
I will search Your word oh Lord, my refuge and my strength. Help me Lord.
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song". ~Psalms 28:7
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
God help me to take that truth and move it from my head to my heart. I need to know Lord. My heart is stubborn. Melt it please. It hurts, please take it from me. Help me to give it to You.
"Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you." ~Psalms 25:20
I will hold to Your truth, Oh Lord my God:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~Jeremiah 29:11
God help me to take that truth and move it from my head to my heart. I need to know Lord. My heart is stubborn. Melt it please. It hurts, please take it from me. Help me to give it to You.
"Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you." ~Psalms 25:20
I will hold to Your truth, Oh Lord my God:
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ~James 1:17
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ~Matthew 6:26-30
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ~Matthew 7:7
Lord, I love you, even with my pitiful love, and You say, "welcome my child".
I am not worthy to be in Your presence, and You say," come sit by My side".
I say I am ugly, sinful, unworthy, and You say to me, "My beautiful daughter, you are forgiven, come to me, I love you".
Thank You Lord.
Help me to love You.
Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ~Matthew 6:26-30
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ~Matthew 7:7
Lord, I love you, even with my pitiful love, and You say, "welcome my child".
I am not worthy to be in Your presence, and You say," come sit by My side".
I say I am ugly, sinful, unworthy, and You say to me, "My beautiful daughter, you are forgiven, come to me, I love you".
Thank You Lord.
Help me to love You.
Friday, March 26, 2010
I wouldn't change knowing you.
I've still been going through a lot of hurt lately, asking myself useless questions because its not as if you can change the past, but still the questions come.
Was it worth it?
Would I change anything?
Would it have been better never to have known you?
And I think I'm finally realizing answers to those questions, or at least some of them.
Was it worth it:
Yes. Although my heart is still torn, I would not change loving you. I also wouldn't have experienced the deep peace of Christ. God has definitely been carrying me these last few months, in the form of friends, family, His word-both read and spoken into my life. God is healing me, although it is taking a while, partly because of my stubbornness, He is healing my heart.
Are there some things I wish I could change? Yes, just as much for your sake as mine. I regret somethings because they were not good for either of us. And for that I am sorry. But I am not sorry for learning to love you, just sometimes the way I wrongly expressed it.
Would it have been better never to have known you:
NO. A solid no. I would not give up your friendship even if it meant the pain would never have been there. You meant and mean too much to me. I would not give up our memories, I cherish them. I loved seeing God grow in your life, I know you don't feel like it was all that much, but I saw Him change you from the inside out, and I see Him at work in your life. I love you, I wanted you in my life. I know things didn't work out the way we wanted, but I still don't want to give you up. Its what I was afraid of at the beginning, why I tried to push you away initially. But no, it would not have been better to never have known you. I'm glad I know you, and knew you, and that we were really good friends...though I'm not sure what we are anymore.
I'm sorry for having somehow pushed you away, or for some reason not being able to be in your life. I miss you, though I hope you never read this, since I know it would probably only hurt you. So here I am again venting into something I hope only a few (very few) if any ever read.
Just so you know, my first memory of you is us and another person laughing so hard that it hurt and we could no longer stand. I miss those kind of memories.
Take care, go with God, I love you.
Was it worth it?
Would I change anything?
Would it have been better never to have known you?
And I think I'm finally realizing answers to those questions, or at least some of them.
Was it worth it:
Yes. Although my heart is still torn, I would not change loving you. I also wouldn't have experienced the deep peace of Christ. God has definitely been carrying me these last few months, in the form of friends, family, His word-both read and spoken into my life. God is healing me, although it is taking a while, partly because of my stubbornness, He is healing my heart.
Are there some things I wish I could change? Yes, just as much for your sake as mine. I regret somethings because they were not good for either of us. And for that I am sorry. But I am not sorry for learning to love you, just sometimes the way I wrongly expressed it.
Would it have been better never to have known you:
NO. A solid no. I would not give up your friendship even if it meant the pain would never have been there. You meant and mean too much to me. I would not give up our memories, I cherish them. I loved seeing God grow in your life, I know you don't feel like it was all that much, but I saw Him change you from the inside out, and I see Him at work in your life. I love you, I wanted you in my life. I know things didn't work out the way we wanted, but I still don't want to give you up. Its what I was afraid of at the beginning, why I tried to push you away initially. But no, it would not have been better to never have known you. I'm glad I know you, and knew you, and that we were really good friends...though I'm not sure what we are anymore.
I'm sorry for having somehow pushed you away, or for some reason not being able to be in your life. I miss you, though I hope you never read this, since I know it would probably only hurt you. So here I am again venting into something I hope only a few (very few) if any ever read.
Just so you know, my first memory of you is us and another person laughing so hard that it hurt and we could no longer stand. I miss those kind of memories.
Take care, go with God, I love you.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Blessed
I am so blessed and yet I am also very blind to it most the time.
God has given me a huge family full of God-fearing, loving, caring, intelligent people.
Let me just start with my parents:
My mom- She is so patient with us. She loves us and cares for us. Even though it get really expensive she goes out of her way to buy healthy (organic if possible) food for us. She cooks huge meals and devotes her time to her kids well being. Rarely does she take a break for herself, she is constantly on the move for others. For as long as I can remember my dad and us kids where always put before her. But beyond all this, God is her number one. Yep God goes before my dad, He goes before my siblings, He goes before me. I am so thankful for this!
I know most people are thinking: what? Before her own kids and husband?
My answer is, umm yeah. My mom realizes that the One who gives her the strength to go on day after day, the One who taught her patience, the One who continually teaches her love, is the One to be put first, and she does so. Mom thank you for teaching me where true wise priorities should be, by constantly making God number one in your life.
Dad- Feeding 9 kids on a high school teacher salary is not an easy thing to do, but somehow this man manages to do it, as well as provide a secure and loving home. He is very wise and has great advice if you actually listen to it. I've found in my life whenever I've asked my dad for advice, and then not listened to it, it has always ended very badly for me. He does not "rule with an iron fist" but rather does everything out of love and tries to lead by example. Were we kids punished/are punished? Yes. If we disobey there are consequences. I've had my share of spankings/groundings/timeouts/things being taken away/etc. But I deserved it, and more importantly I learned the value of following rules. There are rules in life, some more important than others, and my dad, I believe, taught me the importance of obeying rules either set forth by God or by those in authority over me. My dad also has God as his number one. I can't remember the last time I've asked for advice that my dad's advice didn't include something about prayer or scripture or (most often) both. Dad turns to the Father in Heaven in order to be a good dad to his children.
Dad thank you so much for your love, advice, help, guidance, and punishments when necessary. You have helped me so much in life (you and mom both) and I'm just seeing the tip of the iceberg, thank you so much. Words cannot express my gratitude.
Now for my siblings:
Joel - Your desire to learn more is truly inspiring to me. I think your love of books rubbed off on me and I thank you for that immensely. Also thank you for showing me how trusting God was all aspects of your life truly is what we are called to do. Your willingness to follow God half-way across the globe is so great. Also your patience on God to bring you the right person to marry is very encouraging to me. Thank you.
Melissa (sil)- I could say the same thing about your willingness to follow God. It truly is a blessing to have two people in my family strongly follow after the Lord's will, even if it leads them to a desert...literally. Also, just for all your prayers and encouragement these last few months, just for being there whenever I have needed you, thank you for that. (Also to both of you, I've so very excited about my nephew!)
Elise- You have helped me throughout the years in so many ways I won't even attempt to name them all. Thank you for writing to a scared, lost, confused little girl, and helping her grow up (at least a little bit since then). All the time you put into me, and everyone else in the family, has not gone unnoticed. I know I don't say it enough, but thank you, so very much. You have shown me how to follow God, although I still mess up all the time you've shown me His grace, both through your life and through your words. I love how you talk about God and how He speaks to you, its very encouraging to me. Thank you for being there for me, to help lead me back to God every time I want to stray. Also thank you for Selah and Alexa, even on really hard days those two can bring a smile to my face so easily. They are beautiful just like there momma.
Jason (bil)- Thanks for all the laughs, sharing music, movies or just good conversations. I love all the fish tank stuff, its given me a better appreciation for the hard work that goes into mantaining something like that. Also your love for the Lord is very evident, thank you for letting me see the transformation of God in your life, and the hope it has given me for others who I desperately want to see the Love of God. Thank you.
Jeremy- You have helped me so much this last semester, I don't know how to thank you enough. Every time I wanted to give up you would open my eyes and say look at what you need to be concetrating on. Your encouragement was not soft or gental, but strong and I was not able to avoid it or ignore it, and I truly thank you for that. Also thank you for never making me feel like I wasn't good enough. In basketball you would be the one to pass it to me, tell me to shoot, encouarage me to reach higher. In college you have seemed to do the same, you tell me to get out there, be active, search for what God has for me. In places where I have truly felt out of place, the odd man out, you have shown me that I can belong, that I do have the ability to fit in and do good things....though I'm still working on that. But thank you for your encouragement.
Amanda(sil)- You are so beautiful and kind. I'm just amazed sometimes at your kindness, to just say or do the right thing in the moment it is most needed. I know you get that from God, and your love for Him is evident. You have also been there to encourage me, whenever I have asked. I'm really looking forward to seeing my neice in a few months, I'm so happy for both of you.
Michelle- Thank you. You have shown me in your life how to diliegently seek after the Lord. I love how whenever your life gets really busy instead of putting God to the side, you shove the other stuff out of the way to make sure you spend time with Him. I've seen time after time how you get stressed to the point of breaking, and then just give it all up to Him. I have seen Him lift the burndens off your shoulders time and time again as you are willing to hand them over to Him. Thank you so much for showing that to me. And also for all the times you have prayed with me or for me. I really apprieciate it more than words can say. Plus thanks for taking time out of your super business to show your little sister around a new frightening place. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you here to help guide me, I've felt so lost and frightened and constantly you take my hand and point my face heavenward and tell me to ask Him for help, and then you also demonstate His love by helping me. Thank you for being there for me.
Stephen- Little brother, you have truly taught me a lot of patience. I don't mean that to sound mean, and I am truly grateful for it. Thank you for always being willing to stand up for me. I know you liked to poke fun at me, but I also had the reassurance that if I ever was really threatened you would be there to protect me. Thank you for showing me that things really are worth standing up for, like in school whenever you would protest unwholesome books, it is encouraging to see someone younger than me truly stand up for what they believe.
Aleya- Your art, whether in the form of picture or poems, gives me a new appreciation for things in this life. The way you say things in your poems ressiates with my heart and I thank you for that. You can express my feelings in words without even knowing it and then you look back to God. You express your heart, and then say "Lord take it". That is so encouraging to me. God truly does shine out from you, you are a part of His beauty. Thank you for not only being my sister, but also being a really good friend. Thank you for all the laughs, the tears, stories, trips, moments, songs, etc, that we have shared together. You bring joy to the people around you, and I am so glad that God blessed me with the privlidge to be one of those people.
Shannon- girl you are amazing. You are so talented, but you don't even know you it. You are humble in the things you excel at. I love your diligent work to improve your abilities, whether that be at some art form or sports, its really encouraging to see that hard work really does pay off. Your willingness to help people is so great. I love you for it (as well as other things). You constantly put others before yourself in that way, you see someone in need and you help them out. I know you think your work at home goes unnoticed, but it doesn't always. Thank you for helping mom out with chores or food or helping Elise out with the little girls. You are a blessing, and I hope you know that.
Claire- You are growing so fast, I love to see the way you that you are already maturing. I think that it is awesome that even at a young age you are willing to give things up for what you believe in. I know that not watching Disney things is sometimes hard, but I really like that you see the importance of bigger issues. You love God and I'm looking forward to seeing the ways He works in your life. Keep sharing Him with your friends, its a blessing to see you unashamed of Him and all His glory. Don't change that. Thanks for being my little sister!
Selah- You are a joy. You are so beautiful and lively. I love seeing how God creates all these personalities and sticks them in us from a young age, you truly have a strong will. You make me smile even through difficult times. You are lovely.
Alexa- Beautiful baby. I love you and am glad that I have gotten to be in your life, even though I'm not around as much as I might like. Your little toothless smile and baby chuckles brighten a room. I am thankful for you.
God, thank you for all those you have put in my life, both friends and family. God I am so blessed that I can't even take time to write out all the people who have touch my life. Thank you so much for that Lord.
God has given me a huge family full of God-fearing, loving, caring, intelligent people.
Let me just start with my parents:
My mom- She is so patient with us. She loves us and cares for us. Even though it get really expensive she goes out of her way to buy healthy (organic if possible) food for us. She cooks huge meals and devotes her time to her kids well being. Rarely does she take a break for herself, she is constantly on the move for others. For as long as I can remember my dad and us kids where always put before her. But beyond all this, God is her number one. Yep God goes before my dad, He goes before my siblings, He goes before me. I am so thankful for this!
I know most people are thinking: what? Before her own kids and husband?
My answer is, umm yeah. My mom realizes that the One who gives her the strength to go on day after day, the One who taught her patience, the One who continually teaches her love, is the One to be put first, and she does so. Mom thank you for teaching me where true wise priorities should be, by constantly making God number one in your life.
Dad- Feeding 9 kids on a high school teacher salary is not an easy thing to do, but somehow this man manages to do it, as well as provide a secure and loving home. He is very wise and has great advice if you actually listen to it. I've found in my life whenever I've asked my dad for advice, and then not listened to it, it has always ended very badly for me. He does not "rule with an iron fist" but rather does everything out of love and tries to lead by example. Were we kids punished/are punished? Yes. If we disobey there are consequences. I've had my share of spankings/groundings/timeouts/things being taken away/etc. But I deserved it, and more importantly I learned the value of following rules. There are rules in life, some more important than others, and my dad, I believe, taught me the importance of obeying rules either set forth by God or by those in authority over me. My dad also has God as his number one. I can't remember the last time I've asked for advice that my dad's advice didn't include something about prayer or scripture or (most often) both. Dad turns to the Father in Heaven in order to be a good dad to his children.
Dad thank you so much for your love, advice, help, guidance, and punishments when necessary. You have helped me so much in life (you and mom both) and I'm just seeing the tip of the iceberg, thank you so much. Words cannot express my gratitude.
Now for my siblings:
Joel - Your desire to learn more is truly inspiring to me. I think your love of books rubbed off on me and I thank you for that immensely. Also thank you for showing me how trusting God was all aspects of your life truly is what we are called to do. Your willingness to follow God half-way across the globe is so great. Also your patience on God to bring you the right person to marry is very encouraging to me. Thank you.
Melissa (sil)- I could say the same thing about your willingness to follow God. It truly is a blessing to have two people in my family strongly follow after the Lord's will, even if it leads them to a desert...literally. Also, just for all your prayers and encouragement these last few months, just for being there whenever I have needed you, thank you for that. (Also to both of you, I've so very excited about my nephew!)
Elise- You have helped me throughout the years in so many ways I won't even attempt to name them all. Thank you for writing to a scared, lost, confused little girl, and helping her grow up (at least a little bit since then). All the time you put into me, and everyone else in the family, has not gone unnoticed. I know I don't say it enough, but thank you, so very much. You have shown me how to follow God, although I still mess up all the time you've shown me His grace, both through your life and through your words. I love how you talk about God and how He speaks to you, its very encouraging to me. Thank you for being there for me, to help lead me back to God every time I want to stray. Also thank you for Selah and Alexa, even on really hard days those two can bring a smile to my face so easily. They are beautiful just like there momma.
Jason (bil)- Thanks for all the laughs, sharing music, movies or just good conversations. I love all the fish tank stuff, its given me a better appreciation for the hard work that goes into mantaining something like that. Also your love for the Lord is very evident, thank you for letting me see the transformation of God in your life, and the hope it has given me for others who I desperately want to see the Love of God. Thank you.
Jeremy- You have helped me so much this last semester, I don't know how to thank you enough. Every time I wanted to give up you would open my eyes and say look at what you need to be concetrating on. Your encouragement was not soft or gental, but strong and I was not able to avoid it or ignore it, and I truly thank you for that. Also thank you for never making me feel like I wasn't good enough. In basketball you would be the one to pass it to me, tell me to shoot, encouarage me to reach higher. In college you have seemed to do the same, you tell me to get out there, be active, search for what God has for me. In places where I have truly felt out of place, the odd man out, you have shown me that I can belong, that I do have the ability to fit in and do good things....though I'm still working on that. But thank you for your encouragement.
Amanda(sil)- You are so beautiful and kind. I'm just amazed sometimes at your kindness, to just say or do the right thing in the moment it is most needed. I know you get that from God, and your love for Him is evident. You have also been there to encourage me, whenever I have asked. I'm really looking forward to seeing my neice in a few months, I'm so happy for both of you.
Michelle- Thank you. You have shown me in your life how to diliegently seek after the Lord. I love how whenever your life gets really busy instead of putting God to the side, you shove the other stuff out of the way to make sure you spend time with Him. I've seen time after time how you get stressed to the point of breaking, and then just give it all up to Him. I have seen Him lift the burndens off your shoulders time and time again as you are willing to hand them over to Him. Thank you so much for showing that to me. And also for all the times you have prayed with me or for me. I really apprieciate it more than words can say. Plus thanks for taking time out of your super business to show your little sister around a new frightening place. I honestly don't know what I would have done without you here to help guide me, I've felt so lost and frightened and constantly you take my hand and point my face heavenward and tell me to ask Him for help, and then you also demonstate His love by helping me. Thank you for being there for me.
Stephen- Little brother, you have truly taught me a lot of patience. I don't mean that to sound mean, and I am truly grateful for it. Thank you for always being willing to stand up for me. I know you liked to poke fun at me, but I also had the reassurance that if I ever was really threatened you would be there to protect me. Thank you for showing me that things really are worth standing up for, like in school whenever you would protest unwholesome books, it is encouraging to see someone younger than me truly stand up for what they believe.
Aleya- Your art, whether in the form of picture or poems, gives me a new appreciation for things in this life. The way you say things in your poems ressiates with my heart and I thank you for that. You can express my feelings in words without even knowing it and then you look back to God. You express your heart, and then say "Lord take it". That is so encouraging to me. God truly does shine out from you, you are a part of His beauty. Thank you for not only being my sister, but also being a really good friend. Thank you for all the laughs, the tears, stories, trips, moments, songs, etc, that we have shared together. You bring joy to the people around you, and I am so glad that God blessed me with the privlidge to be one of those people.
Shannon- girl you are amazing. You are so talented, but you don't even know you it. You are humble in the things you excel at. I love your diligent work to improve your abilities, whether that be at some art form or sports, its really encouraging to see that hard work really does pay off. Your willingness to help people is so great. I love you for it (as well as other things). You constantly put others before yourself in that way, you see someone in need and you help them out. I know you think your work at home goes unnoticed, but it doesn't always. Thank you for helping mom out with chores or food or helping Elise out with the little girls. You are a blessing, and I hope you know that.
Claire- You are growing so fast, I love to see the way you that you are already maturing. I think that it is awesome that even at a young age you are willing to give things up for what you believe in. I know that not watching Disney things is sometimes hard, but I really like that you see the importance of bigger issues. You love God and I'm looking forward to seeing the ways He works in your life. Keep sharing Him with your friends, its a blessing to see you unashamed of Him and all His glory. Don't change that. Thanks for being my little sister!
Selah- You are a joy. You are so beautiful and lively. I love seeing how God creates all these personalities and sticks them in us from a young age, you truly have a strong will. You make me smile even through difficult times. You are lovely.
Alexa- Beautiful baby. I love you and am glad that I have gotten to be in your life, even though I'm not around as much as I might like. Your little toothless smile and baby chuckles brighten a room. I am thankful for you.
God, thank you for all those you have put in my life, both friends and family. God I am so blessed that I can't even take time to write out all the people who have touch my life. Thank you so much for that Lord.
Monday, March 1, 2010
At a loss
I should be studying right now, but I can't seem to focus.
What is going on. I need to write a paper as well.
All this stuff is crashing down on me.
I am ecstatic one minute for a friend of mine who is finding his way to Christ.
Than the next I'm back down on the ground feeling crushed by these stupid feelings that won't go away.
God is answering my prayers in real tangible ways...
and then I am feeling all alone.
I don't get it. Those two things are opposites.
Why can't I trust Him, I know He is real and true and wants what is best for me. So why am I not trusting?
Why do these tears come so often. I want them to stop. I don't want to cry anymore about this.
I just don't know what to do.
I want to stop hurting, but not stop feeling. How?
I am so happy some days, so full of real joy.
and then a day like this? Nothing extraordinary sets it off, it just comes, it overwhelms.
What to do?
I don't know.
What is going on. I need to write a paper as well.
All this stuff is crashing down on me.
I am ecstatic one minute for a friend of mine who is finding his way to Christ.
Than the next I'm back down on the ground feeling crushed by these stupid feelings that won't go away.
God is answering my prayers in real tangible ways...
and then I am feeling all alone.
I don't get it. Those two things are opposites.
Why can't I trust Him, I know He is real and true and wants what is best for me. So why am I not trusting?
Why do these tears come so often. I want them to stop. I don't want to cry anymore about this.
I just don't know what to do.
I want to stop hurting, but not stop feeling. How?
I am so happy some days, so full of real joy.
and then a day like this? Nothing extraordinary sets it off, it just comes, it overwhelms.
What to do?
I don't know.
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