Sometimes you just can't stop the tears.

It hit me last night while singing " Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other. Our God is HEALER, awesome in power, our God".
That grandma is healed now. Completely in every way.
It also fully hit me that she is gone, at least for now.

I don't like crying at breakaway, especially in front of some of my friends. But sometimes it can't be helped. And what does it matter what they think anyways? God is what matters, He knows what my tears were for, and He comforted me right away as I sang the following song, On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...ALL other ground is sinking sand.

Lord, You know what I need every moment. Help me to continue in You. To stand on You alone.
With Love, to Love
Amen.

I'm not sure...

What to do with all these emotions.
I'm not sure who I am.
I'm not sure if I am happy or sad, grateful or longing, missing or rejoicing for.

Why was that one phone call harder than other news today? Am I that selfish.
I hate to even write out that truth. Yet it was so. And it hurts me that it is so.

God has given me peace about grandma, and yet, I so desperately feel the need to cry.
I almost wish I had gone home, but the thought of maybe seeing him seems like it would have been too hard.
Why do I feel guilty about enjoying times with friends today?
Why could my emotions seem fine today and then I break down in the shower?
I just don't understand what is going on with me.
I don't like myself, like this.

I do know that God is love, He is faithful, He is the bringer of peace. He is holding my grandma in His arms, saying "welcome home my child". She has peace.

Lord, help me to simply trust You in everything, with everything.
With love, to Love
Amen